November/December 2004
Volume 12, No. 6

Wake Me In One Hour by Jill Schafer Boehme

Sometimes I'm so tired I can't see straight.

Do you ever feel that way? It's beyond the nice, drowsy feeling you get before falling asleep at night. It's not the cozy, relaxing feeling that comes with snuggling on the sofa with your hubby on a Saturday afternoon.

It's pure, fuzz-brained exhaustion. It's not the housework that does it to me, either (I'm sure I don't do enough of that to even break a sweat). It's purely emotional. I mean, how many times can a grown woman listen to "MOMMY!!" without completely losing it? How many sibling fights can one person quell without completely draining her internal resources?

How many cans of Coke can I drink without having a caffeine-induced seizure?

I know I'm not alone in this feeling. There's something about the twenty-four hour care of little people that drains us. Not that we don't love what we are doing...but it takes more out of us than we sometimes realize.

Are you nodding your head in passionate agreement? Or have you dozed off?

There were other times in my life during which I experienced exhaustion for different reasons. In college, I was a devoted piano student, practicing up to five hours a day in addition to my academic studies. My piano instructor was kind (and trusting) enough to give me the key to his studio so that I could practice on his Mason and Hamlin baby grand, one of the best pianos on campus. I rewarded his trust by falling asleep one day with my head on the piano and drooling all over the keyboard.
Then there was the time during my stint as an administrative secretary that I put my head down on my desk to rest for a few minutes while my boss was out to lunch. I had no idea how many times he had called my name before I finally heard him, lifted my head and tried to pretend that I wasn't asleep. Assuming I was sick, he sent me home for the rest of the day.

Ah, but these were the days when I could AFFORD to feel sleepy. Why? Because I could SLEEP if I wanted to! Nobody was going to fall into a toilet or roll down the driveway on a tricycle or hit his sister with a golf club if I nodded off for a few minutes. Sure, I embarrassed myself, but no one else was put at risk. I was free to make a fool of myself without compromising someone else's safety.

But that's not the way it is anymore. And that is the key to the cycle of maternal exhaustion. We feel tired because we are on constant duty, so we can't afford to rest, which makes us tired, but we are on constant duty, so we can't afford to rest...

Makes you tired just thinking about it, doesn't it?

I suppose going to bed at eight o'clock would help, but I don't think my dear husband would appreciate that. After all, he's the love of my life, and I look forward to our time together in the evenings. Of course, I'm not sure how much he enjoys watching me nod off while he rambles on about his day at the office. What makes matters worse is that he is an incurable night owl. At 9:00 he'll look at me and say, "So...do you want to watch a movie?"

"You've got to be kidding," I respond. "I'm going to bed."

So, what's a tired mommy to do?

Actually, there are a few things that we CAN do. First of all, we can remove a few items from our "to-do" list. If the pantry is empty and the kitchen floor is dirty, choose to do the shopping instead of the cleaning (the floor can wait, but empty tummies cannot). If you're in the middle of ironing and your husband calls and wants to meet you and the kiddies for lunch, take him up on it (this is the stuff that memories are made of - ironing will always be there). In other words, we don't have to do it "all" every single day.

Secondly, we can make ourselves AS MUCH of a priority as everything else we do. If you know that giving all five of your children a bath will deplete your hot water supply for the evening, bathe only the dirtiest ones so that you can enjoy a bubble bath after they're all in bed (no, the Health Department won't come knocking at your door). If you know that you are going to need some "down time" in the afternoon after a busy morning, don't promise your children a trip to the park. Allow yourself to be AS IMPORTANT as everyone else in your family.

Thirdly - and this one's a biggie - enlist your husband's help. I know, I know...this is often more easily said than done. Most husbands don't eagerly skip through the door each evening, grab a fresh apron, and exclaim, "Hello, Darling! I'm ready to dig right in! You go paint your nails while I finish dinner, bathe the children, and re-hang the curtains in the living room." (I'd be rather frightened if mine did that.) Still, it's important for us to let our husbands know what we need, and to ask them in simple, direct questions that aren't demanding, authoritative, or manipulative:

"Will you please feed the baby her carrots while I finish supper?"

"I need you to tuck the children in tonight so that I can get an early start on these invitations."

"Can we please go out to dinner tonight? I'm too tired to cook."

Men won't respond to nagging, barking, whining, or yelling. (I should know...I've tried them all.) They also don't need to hear a long list of reasons WHY you feel they should be helping: "I am with the children twenty-four hours a day and I do everything. I cook, I clean, I wipe their stinky bottoms. I walk the dog and wash the windows and bake cookies for the neighbor's grandmother and you're never even here when I do all these things. The children aren't even going to RECOGNIZE you if you don't start getting involved with them, so I need you to get in there and BE A DAD."

Nope, that's not going to work for you.

Gently and directly tell him what your needs are. Give him a chance to get comfortable doing the things that you normally do. And don't expect him to do them exactly the way you do - he won't. And if you try to correct him, chances are he won't be willing to do it for you the next time. And if, after following all these recommendations, you are STILL feeling tired - pat yourself on the back. You're a full-time mom (and some of you are pursuing a career at home as well!), and feeling tired is, somehow, a mark of your success. If you weren't expending so much energy, you wouldn't feel so tired - and you probably wouldn't be a very good mom, either. When our children are grown and we once again have the leisure to nod off in the afternoons, we may actually miss that constant demand on our attention.

Until the phone rings and our grown daughter asks if we can watch her toddler for a few hours. "Not today," we politely say. "I'm taking a nap."

Copyright © 2002 - 2004, Jill Schafer Boehme  All rights reserved.  Used with permission.  Originally published at Suite101.com.

About the author: .

Jill Schafer Boehme, homeschooling mother of four, is the author of MY LIMA BEANS ARE ALLERGIC TO MY SPOON, humorous and encouraging stories for the stay-at-home mom, and editor of MOMMY! The Internet Lifeline for At-home Moms, a free E-zine filled with laughter and encouragement for women who are at home with their children. To read the current issue of MOMMY! visit:
http://www.beatyourowndrum.com/mommy.jsp. To subscribe to MOMMY! go here:
http://www.beatyourowndrum.com.
Order your copy of MY LIMA BEANS ARE ALLERGIC TO MY SPOON here:
http://www.booklocker.com/books/781.html
LIMA BEANS is also available at Amazon.com
(http://www.amazon.com), BarnesAndNoble.com and can be ordered through your local bookstore.

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