Unschooling: Dabbling, Digging Deep, and Quitting
Lyla Wolfenstein

At the heart of unschooling, and really at the heart of growing up, is the process of determining what it is a person loves to do - where and with what to spend one's time. Children come into this world with no preconceived notions of what is or isn't valuable, or what is or isn't "supposed" to be enjoyable.

And frequently, inadvertently, parents send crystal clear messages about just those perceptions, messages that run directly counter to what many of us would *say* we wanted to convey if asked.

Do we frown upon those who take pleasure in their work, no matter how menial? No, not for the mostpart - we ascribe labels such as "a good work ethic" and "a positive attitude" to people who move through their lives, "getting it done" with a smile on their faces.

But then, those same parents get frustrated with their own children when they resist helping around the house - because we believe we NEED their help with the "less desirable" activities of life and, in addition, we believe they "need to learn" that life isn't a bed of roses and that to get by, they must learn to survive some suffering. Rarely do we convey that those chores need not be dreaded, and even more rarely do we model that positive attitude that we profess to value so highly in others.
The innate curiosity of children is the fuel - the driving force - behind their "motor" of learning. Children do not innately value playdough over mopping, or baseball over writing. And beyond the academic and chore paradigm, children are designed to try many things - to experience deeply and immersively some interests, and to dabble and sample others.

When parents ascribe much deeper meaning to 'sticking with" an activity or sampling and abandoning an interest - when we as parents catastrophize those natural tendencies of children to follow their bliss - we send many unintended messages.
First, we send a message that sticking with something, even if we've lost interest, is more important than following our inner voice about what feels right. That even if something feels unfulfilling, we should trudge along, enduring it - even if the "it" was something that was just supposed to be fun and interesting - not a commitment to other people or a life or death situation. Even if the person in question is only 7 years old.

Secondly, when we refuse to let children "quit" something, we send the message that they might indeed be better off not trying new things at all. This can paralyze unschooling, and can be problematic in many ways for children who are not unschooling as well. When children lose the drive to try new things because they fear being forced, coerced or judged into "sticking with it" even if they don't end up liking it, it erodes their drive and curiosity in every area of their lives.

Thirdly, focusing on the money spent, or the commitment made, rather than the needs and desires of the child, sends the message that mom and dad care more about what others think, or what it might mean about a child's value as a human, as measured by some external standard, than about how something *feels* to the child. It not only sends that message to the child, but it drives a wedge in the relationship, because relationships are based on empathy and understanding - and direct focus - rather than on an image of one's child filtered through a lens of societal judgment.

It might appear that some children are more prone to "quitting things" and less able to "commit" to activities and stick with them - but what if you flip that around and view those children as dabblers, experimenters - OPEN to the world and curious about everything? THOSE are the children who, if their trust is not eroded by parental control, will try *anything* once (or more than once) - and yes, they will quit more things than those children who dive deep and stick around longer with one activity - but that's due to the sheer volume of things they try! If you have a child who decides they want to put everything they have into martial arts and music, and then decides later that they actually prefer martial arts and are tired of music for now, they have a 50% quit rate. If you have a child who tries 16 different things in one year, and ends up liking four of them a lot, that child might have a 75% quit rate, but they now have FOUR activities they love, not just one.

Neither of those scenarios is better than the other, they are simply different styles. And either can be tainted by parental response. If the 2 activity - whittled down to one activity - child, was forced to try a variety of things because the focus was deemed too narrow, he might end up feeling spread too thin, or he might feel as if there is something wrong with him for caring so much about one thing - he might hear words hurled at him like "obsessed" or "single-minded" and start to think of himself as limited.

If the dabbling in many activities child were forced to stick with activities the parents deemed valuable but that the child wished to stop doing, that child might learn to not try things so readily - to resist exploration, and close himself off to learning. He might hear labels about himself like "undisciplined" or "a quitter" and his openness and sense of ability to learn new things might be undermined.

Children can heal from either of those versions of parental pressure too, and they tend to find their own "curve" again, once parents shape up

Children have an innate drive to learn and absorb - we really need to back off and trust their process - and support it where we can. So, if you've fallen into either of these common habits - pressuring your child to try more things, to branch out, to be different somehow - or refusing to let your child try many things if they don't stick with them - give a try to trusting your child's inner compass! You might be amazed at the results!

I welcome discussion on my blog:
http://www.lylawolf.blogspot.com

Lyla is the mother to 2 unschooled children, ages 12 and 15 at the time of this writing.