Dear Mrs. Web,

My stepson is 11. I have been in his life for 7 years. He has begun to steal money from us, not a lot but I am concerned. We have spoken to him about it. He is a loner, who enjoys television and computer games. No friends at home but mixes well at school. He has been a good child until recently.

He has a 6 year old sister who he "hates." He fights or hits her constantly. He is enormously jealous of her natural abilities and cheerful, attention-getting extroverted personality. I fear his stealing is a cry for attention. What should we do?

Concerned

Dear Concerned,

I think you are right. The stealing is a symptom of his emptiness and neediness. He is crying for attention and help. He should also be evaluated for depression.

This boy is at the edge of puberty. In your shoes, I would advise putting him into family counseling. His father, you, and his mother will all need to learn how to help, guide, and direct this child. He needs attention.

It is time for the adults in his life to clear their calendars and focus on this child. It will be important to work with the counselor to help this child find a niche and a way to shine in life. You will be surprised at how positive attention will change a child’s heart. He is at a good age to catch this isolating, angry behavior and turn it around. However, it is going to take time, attention, and commitment.

Regards,
Dear Mrs. Web

Dear Mrs. Web,
My son is five years old and is wetting his bed. He simply does not wake up at night. He will go for stretches up to a week without wetting and then does it two or three nights in a row. Do you know how to train a child to stop bedwetting?

Perplexed


Dear Perplexed,

In my family bedwetters have fallen into two different categories. The first category is the wetter who is only dry when liquids are prohibited. He either sleeps too heavily or does not have the neurological wiring to successfully wake up when needed. My doctor tells me this child will probably wet through puberty. I comfort myself with the thought that he probably won’t wear diapers at his wedding.

The other type of bedwetter at my house has been the unmotivated bedwetter. I made a chart of squares for him and hung it in the bathroom. Each night I walked him to the bathroom before my bedtime. Every dry morning we filled in a block with a sticker and every third sticker he was awarded with a gift he wanted. This child is extremely food motivated and a couple of cookies or a hot chocolate would satisfy. Eventually he caught on and was dry after about forty stickers.

All children are different. Bedwetting should be evaluated by your doctor. Then relax.

Regards,
Dear Mrs. Web

Dear Mrs. Web,

My son just went to a birthday party with fifteen of his classmates from last year’s first grade class. It was an amazing production with two clowns, a magician, pony rides, and a dog act. I kid you not. They even had a lifeguard by the pool.

We had exchanged birthday invitations with this boy and a few other classmates. We had planned a small party and sleepover out in our tent in the yard. I am feeling inadequate right now. What can we do?

Partied-Out

Dear Partied,

People have different tastes and pocketbooks. Do not underestimate the charms of a tenting sleepover. All children from 6 to 60 love that sort of thing. Hot dogs and marshmallows roasted over the grill, birthday cake for desert. Flashlights as gifts to each with their names printed on in marker. An interested and caring adult to supervise and games, songs and stories and that precious commodity these days: some unstructured playtime. Absolute bliss, count on it.

Regards,
Dear Mrs. Web

Dear Mrs. Web,

My daughter who is twelve is on an established sport travel team. A new family joined this year and the parents are difficult. These parents berate their daughter when her performance does not meet their high standards. The child is now beginning to cry after her participation, apologizing to her parents for her performance. The parents coldly ignore her or worse, say cruel things to her. This is upsetting the other children.

Yesterday during a game the mother cursed at one of the teammates when she was upset over the position placement of her daughter. We are all angry with this woman and are speaking to the coach about the behavior. The season is over in two weeks.

Frustrated Sports Mom

Dear Frustrated,

People who get their needs met by emotionally blackmailing their children are beyond the pale. My heart goes out to this little girl. Your coach definitely needs to be notified. The children who have witnessed this behavior need to be de-briefed about its inappropriateness. The parents of the child who received the curse(s) should speak to the mother directly about the inappropriateness of her behavior as well as discuss this matter with the coach. The final decision will rest with the coach. My hopes are that he would remember that little girl in any decision he makes. In his place, I would let them finish the season for the child’s sake and bar them from returning.

Regards,
Dear Mrs. Web


Dear Mrs. Web,
My two-year-old is terribly afraid of loud noises, especially thunder and lightening. She cowers in my arms. I can’t put her down. What should I do?

Storm-Tossed

Dear Storm-Tossed,

Hold her. Rock her, sing to her, and talk in soothing tones. Play music to drown out the sound of thunder. Read storybooks and get her involved in a toy or game. Frequently reassure her and act normally. No shivering under the bed sheets together with flashlights. Talk about the storm in a normal voice. Children usually outgrow their fears in a few years but need to have the fears treated with compassion and respect.

Regards,
Dear Mrs. Web

Dear Mrs. Web,
My granddaughter is seven years old and she is hyper. Her parents (my son and his wife) let her do everything. She goes to concerts, nightclubs, and Vegas with them. She stays up until all hours and always looks overtired. She watches television and says words that would embarrass a truck driver. I feel bad for her. I don’t know what to do.

Caring Grandmother

Dear Caring,

Your granddaughter is exposed to the inappropriate, the vulgar and the rude. She is not their child; she is an "add-on" feature to their marriage. Sadly, in the future, she will pay dearly for her parent’s irresponsibility.

I would speak to your son about the effects their choices are having on your granddaughter. If you are unsuccessful, you can be a haven for this little girl, taking her on weekends and whenever you can have her. Keep your access to her open; do not alienate the parents. Give her the boundaries she needs when she is with you and show her how other people live their lives. You can be a great help and solid rock of support in her life.

Regards,
Dear Mrs. Web

Dear Mrs. Web,

My brother, I call him The Reptile, keeps snakes. He feeds them worms and toads he catches in the yard. It is disgusting. My parents don’t see anything wrong with this. They think it’s ok. I think its gross. He has charts of what they eat and everything they do. When my parents are out he sometimes chases me with one or lets it loose in my room. What should I do?

Tormented

Dear Tormented,

There is nothing wrong with keeping snakes and feeding them frogs. Many people will agree with you that it is gross. Teasing you with the snakes is a mean thing to do. Talk to your parents. Ask for protection.

Regards,
Dear Mrs. Web

Dear Mrs. Web,

My 12 year old is afraid to go to sleep. This is a reoccurring problem. Every few months she’ll start telling me she is afraid someone is going to kidnap her. She will get a stomachache and cry and ask if she can sleep with me. I don’t know what brings this on, as our family has never experienced anything that should make her fear sleeping. She also refuses to stay alone at home. How do I help her fight these fears?

Worried Mom

Dear Worried,

In this case, I would not fight fear but support strength with your presence. I would also teach her self-calming methods such as warm baths, hot milk or teas, prayer, soothing music and deep breathing.

Evaluate her life. Is she under a lot of pressure at school or in her extracurricular life? Also, step back and review the kinds of media to which you daughter is exposed. Movies, books, television programs, and news shows that show violence and a dangerous world may not be appropriate for a sensitive child.

If fearfulness begins to rule or limit her life, you will want to think of professional intervention with a counselor who has experience with both young teens and fears.

Regards,
Dear Mrs. Web

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