Not Making Foolish Decisions by Dave Marks

In a previous column I listed some of the decisions Americans have recently made that currently and directly affect our children's lives in negative ways. Lack of training might be the reason we have done and are still doing this. I don't mean that all of the things we, as adults, decide to do are foolish, for clearly they are not, but many of the ones we have made collectively are obviously not good for our children.

The reason for this may well be the training we had as children. If we accept this, then it is important that we remedy this situation for our children so that we don't perpetuate the conditions our decisions have created. In my schooling, and I'm sure in almost all adults' schooling, there were no courses or even units on decision making. It was never mentioned in any of my classes. The same is true of my college and graduate school training. In my child's church and in the one I attended as a child there was and still are no suggestion that we come to our own decisions about questions of faith, belief or attitudes. For the most part, church members are told what is good to do and what is not, what is right thinking and what kind of thinking is in error, and in some cases, who to vote for and what issues are the ones to support. My church does not have classes in making decisions that demonstrate how not to make foolish ones.

Unfortunately the only other place we have to teach decision making, in our homes, the process is ignored. We traditionally tell our children what we feel is right for them to know, do and think. We don't say to them that there are many ways for them to behave or think and help them pick the ones they prefer. Because we love them, we make most of their decisions for them. One of the problems with this is that they don't learn to make decisions that are not foolish. This may be why eighty percent of teen-age and over fifty percent of adult marriages end in divorce, why almost fifty percent of fatal car accidents are alcohol related, and why there are more people per-capita in American prisons than in any other industrialized country. It's not pretty, but Americans make foolish decisions.

For the first part of the instruction in decision-making, I demonstrated how parents can begin by talking WITH their children instead of talking TO them. The second part of training young people to make decisions that are not foolish is to show them a way to make wise ones. This is a process that children can't learn on their own by observation. They won't get this knowledge from their homeschool textbooks. They probably won't be given this training in their church programs. If you are serious about your children's need to be able to make good decisions, there are a number of good books in your library on this topic. The best one I have seen is Making Moral Decisions. It was written by a religious leader and gives step-by-step instruction in this process.

Children might need to have the things they must think about typed out for them and have them placed on the refrigerator door or a note board. The first time children are introduced to the process of making good decisions, it might be wise if the decision is one that is not too important. This will give them an opportunity to make mistakes that would not be serious. You might work with them as they do each step, because younger children need help with abstractions.

TO MAKE A DECISION
Younger children:
1. Must recognize that a decision must be made (I would have the children say this out loud)
2. Must understand that they must make the decision on their own
3. Must have a deadline to meet in the making of this decision
4. Must see that the results of the decision are important to them and the people they care about

When the actual decision-making process begins, the steps below should help. You might first talk you children through the following steps with a make-believe decision so that you're sure that the steps are understood.

There should be a record made of the following steps. Each child should:

1. State the problem that requires a decision
2. List the choices of action that can be taken (most situations have more than two options)
3. Recognize what happens if a decision is not made (not making a choice is a choice)
4. List values held that will help make the choice
5. List the prejudices held that could unfairly influence the choices
6. Recognize how the various choices effect the child and others (what will happen with this choice)
7. Make the choice
8. Examine the choice to make sure it is consistent with the values held
9. Commit to the decision

If you work with the two steps of preparing your children to make decisions that are not foolish, you'll be surprised at the maturity of the choices they'll make. The first step will teach them that they can work with you with abstract concepts and the second step will teach them the mechanical steps of decision making.

Editor's Note: Dave Marks, creator and author of the very popular Writing Strands series, has written the Dragon Slaying is for Dreamers trilogy. More than great reading for students ages 9 - 16, these books teach values and decision making skills as the lively characters encounter challenges, moral dilemmas, dangers and adventures. Students and parents rave about this great series. For more information visit Dave's web site:
http://www.writingstrands.com or telephone: 1-800-688-5375 or 1-940-382-0044 with your questions.