COMMUNICATION, PARENTS AND TEENS
BY SHIRLEY M.R. MINSTER

It is normal for parents to feel frustration and fear when their teens seem to be accomplishing nothing - and accomplishing it very well. It is perceived as a relaxed attitude and demeanor which is incredibly frustrating to the parents because here they are looking to the future and their teen is resting on his laurels. This fear is often manifested as anger and is interpreted by the child as running his life. "Get out of my face! All you do is try to run my life!" This miscommunication will either run its detrimental course or be stopped through a desire by both parties to work together.

To understand the process of passing the gavel from parent to child when it comes to future plans, look back first. Since the child's inception, parents dream that their offspring will succeed in life. For years they talk and think about the future for their child and its understandable that they feel hurt when their ideas are seemingly dismissed and rejected.

When schooling is about to begin, parents will take the traditional path of public school or investigate private school and homeschool. Whichever route is chosen, the parents must remember to involve the child as much as is reasonably possible, given his age. Too often students move through their whole schooling doing what they think is expected of them and investing no personal involvement or not understanding the importance of self in the plan. As they become older, they begin to want independence. They can become irritated when their parents try to continue to motivate them into accomplishing the goals that were set up years ago.

Ask the important question, "Whose goals are they?" Be willing to set aside parental goals if they are no longer appropriate. If they are the students, then it is his responsibility to devise a plan to accomplish them. For instance, if there are school deadlines the student must meet and he has a problem meeting them, he could write the dates on a calendar because that is a visual reminder.

To help the family with the emotional component in communication, the parents must take the lead. They should take a step back from emotional involvement which is not always easy because their job is a tenuous balancing act. They must constantly balance the teens present with his future. Not only must they look to their child's future (college, job, family, etc.), but they must also deal with the missed deadlines, lackadaisical manner, and playful attitude being displayed. They must try hard to demonstrate that they still believe in him, no matter what his manner seems to be.

There are two kinds of teen problems. The first is that the teen may be oblivious to what's happening in his life. He may not see it as a distinct problem when he misses deadlines and sets no goals. Forever talking about it will only make him call his parents nags. Instead, let him bear the natural consequences. The second is that the teen may be starting to see that his way of doing things is causing him problems. At that point, help him either by establishing guidelines or working with an educational counselor to give him better skills. Before taking this step, make sure the student agrees that he needs help at this time in his educational career.

All students must understand that their involvement is essential. The higher in the educational process he goes, the more involved he must be in the choice of school, courses, development and execution of the personal educational program. Continue to encourage him. By starting early in this process of involvement, the parents have the benefit of seeing him enjoy the educational journey.

About the author:
Shirley is founder of Home Education & Family Services, a full-time service organization offering a wide variety of helps and resources for homeschooling families, and Royal Academy, a unique alternative to traditional schools that is based upon the model of parental involvement in the education of their children. Shirley has worked in the field of education and with homeschooling families for over 25 years. Visit: Online:
www.homeeducator.com/HEFS