WHERE ARE THEY NOW? TYING THE KNOT by Peter Kowalke
For her wedding, lifelong unschooler Celeste Anacker imagines a sunny afternoon at nearby Huntington Beach. The 22-year-old California native shuts her eyes and envisions the surf lapping at the shore, a circle of friends holding hands as they watch the ceremony before them. She wears a Simplicity dress patterned after those worn in one of her favorite films, The Princess Bride. Her fiancé wears a kilt. Within the circle of friends and relatives, vows are exchanged and they are married.
Celeste has less than two months to make her imagined wedding a reality. The dress is partially sewn, thanks to help from her sisters. A friend from college is willing to photograph the wedding for free, too. Yet much preparation still lies ahead. As primary organizer of the wedding, Celeste ticks off a shopping list of issues still to address: marriage and beach permits, invitations and a guest list, décor and entertainment, food andâof courseâwedding vows. The pressure is handled with aplomb. Still, Celeste admits that she is not entirely confident. âI am relaxed overall, but it is a little scary.â
Halfway across the country from Celeste, grown homeschooler Natalie Lloyd Baughman is adjusting to married life. Last June, bridal considerations lined her thoughts. Now, at 22, Natalie enthusiastically decorates the many empty rooms of her four-bedroom home near Columbus, Ohio. â??I never thought that I would own a house so soon,â?? explains Natalie. In less than a year, the aspiring actress has metamorphosed into a model homemaker. While her husband works as a systems administrator, Natalie cooks, cleans, and borrows decorating ideas from the Home & Garden Channel. Surprised as much as anyone about the transformation, Natalie confesses a newfound passion for tasks she used to abhor. Laundry, in particular, has become a favorite. â??I hated doing laundry when I was growing up,â?? she says. â??I canâ??t believe how domesticated I am.â??
Marriage is on the mind of many grown homeschoolers. â??You get to your early twenties,â?? says Celeste, â??and feel like it is time to find the right person.â?? The exploration of the teen years has solidified and the next step is a career, a move away from home and the cultivation of a lifelong partnership. â??I was at the point in my life where I wanted to find another person to begin a family with,â?? says Celeste, referring to her search before she met her fiancé. â??I wanted to break away from the old and begin a new phase in my life.â?? She feels the pressure to find a mate is intensified by a general trend toward romantic commitment; Celeste estimates that 70 percent of friends her age either are in long-term relationships, engaged, or already married. Although peer pressure wonâ??t start a marriage, it can emphasize a need that already exists.
Anecdotal evidence suggests that a short dating history plays little role in the likelihood that a homeschooler will find love and marital bliss; for more than a few, marriage has resulted from the first serious relationship. One possible reason why many homeschoolers â??hit or missâ?? with relationships is the unique, often focused lifestyle they live. A passionate interest can take a homeschooler away from situations that encourage dating. An unconventional lifestyle also can pose a challenge in the search for a compatible mate. Although the results of such behavior ultimately are rewarding, many homeschoolers must find a future spouse among those involved in their area of interest.
Neither Celeste nor Natalie had much success with relationships before that â??special someoneâ?? appeared. Relationships would last no longer than three months. Little things got in the way for Celeste; pessimism about finding â??the oneâ?? grew as she found her beliefs too liberal for those she dated. Impediments for Natalie included an awkwardness around guys and her dreams of a Hollywood acting career. â??I think she wanted to do a lot with her life,â?? recalls Gwen Buerk. One of Natalieâ??s closest friends, Gwen remembers that dating took second seat to acting and Natalieâ??s other activities of the period. Dating felt so hopeless for Natalie that she joked about the possibility of joining a cloister.
An early matchmaking success for the internet, Natalie met her future husband online in 1995. Both were characters in an online role-playing game. Steve was a computer science major at Bowling Green State University, Natalie an exuberant 16 year old who split her time between the internet and theatre. The discovery that both lived locally spurred a face to face rendezvous, but romance was months away. â??I wasnâ??t going to date him,â?? admits Natalie, â??but he was persistent.â?? Once they began dating, Steve quickly became a fixture in Natalieâ??s life. Friends wondered if the relationship would last, but Natalie knew that if they broke up, â??it would be because he broke up with me.â?? The unconventional first encounter led to an exemplary five-year courtship.
Celeste found love more recently, also the result of following her interests. Interested since childhood in costuming and medieval fantasy, Celeste met her fiancé two years ago while a volunteer at the Carona Crossroads Renaissance Festival in southern California. The fair fosters a tight community among its medieval connoisseurs and often results in romance among volunteers. Greg Tyler, friends of both Celeste and her fiancé, reflects on the coupleâ??s progression. â??They got serious pretty fast,â?? he says. â??I think they knew they were right for each other.â??
Last year, during the Renaissance festival, the couple committed to marriage for a year and a day through the medieval custom of handfasting. The ceremony was performed at the fair by Aaronâs Renaissance acting troupe, Clan MacGowan. Befitting the coupleâs origin, Celeste and Aaron plan a traditional Scottish permanent handfasting ceremony for their wedding. Guests will attend in medieval costume and the wedding ceremony will be a short but highly personalized performance like those at the fair. Celeste imagines medieval music, a theatrical skit and perhaps a modified religious ritual from the period. The chieftain for Clan MacGowan, who performed the handfasting and is vested with the power to pronounce marriage, will perform the ceremony. Just like Celeste and her fiancé, the wedding promises to be colorful and unique.
To Celeste, the wedding also signifies adulthoodâ??and that concerns her. â??Even though me and Aaron pretty much coexist as if we were married,â?? explains Celeste, her voice a bit strained, â??the whole idea of marriage is scary because you see yourself falling into the roles that your parents played.â?? Celeste does not want to be a housewife, totally dependent on her spouse. She also worries about a loss of self once married. â??I always kind of decided that I wanted to be a kid my whole life.â?? Marriage presupposes an evolution Celeste is not entirely ready to accept since â??getting married generally means you have kids somewhere down the line and that generally means that you have to grow up and leave a certain part of yourself behind.â??
On the surface, Natalie is an example of the developmental evolution Celeste wishes to avoid. Natalie leads a very traditional role: homemaker, cook and support system for her husband. Yet she brings a twist to the role. Less than six weeks into their marriage, Natalie left Steve to film a documentary on the East Coast. â??My co-workers all thought it was strange and my parents did, too,â?? relates Steve, â??but I know that is what she loves to do. Who am I to tell her that she canâ??t do what she loves?â?¦that she should stay home and cook food for me instead.â?? Even with the new, domestic lifestyle, Natalie has not sacrificed her aspirations and interests as a homeschoolerâ??she is learning to adapt them for married life.
Marriage to an accepting spouse appears to be especially crucial for grown homeschoolers since they have the propensity to chart interesting paths in life. â??I found someone who pretty much accepts me totally for who I am and doesnâ??t try to change me,â?? says Celeste. Aaronâ??s blanket of support and acceptance played a large role in her decision to marry. His acceptance of her vegetarianism, her homeschooling background, her insistence on homeschooling their future children and on their charting an unconventional course through life mattered greatly to Celeste. Even with a very accepting fiancé, the thought of marriage remains a little scary. But at this point, Celeste has decided that she doesnâ??t have to change. â??I can still be me and have a serious relationship, or even get married.â??
Celeste Anacker and Natalie Lloyd Baughman, each in her own way, struggles to translate a life and values as a homeschooler into a satisfying, healthy life as an adult. One of the profound lessons of homeschooling, the courage to be oneâs self, to go upstream if necessary, applies to all areas of life. Relationships are no exception. So as Celeste and Natalie reach the point where they settle into marriage, they must do so creatively. Marriage is approached the same way that homeschooling was approachedâby traveling along a highly personalized path.
About the author:
Lifelong unschooler Peter Kowalke, 25, is producer of Grown Without Schooling, a documentary about grown homeschoolers and the lasting influence of home education. For more stories about grown homeschoolers, visit Peterâs web site at
http://www.grownwithoutschooling.com
This article originally appeared in the July-August, 2001 issue of Home Education Magazine.
http://www.homeedmag.com
