Dependence and Consequences
by Dave Marks

When children are four or five it's natural that they should expect their mothers to make their decisions for them and to speak for them. It's also natural for mothers and fathers, because they love them to want to make the decisions for their children, in many cases even when they are young adults. Adults know so much more than their children do about what they should study, what kinds of cars they should drive, the types of people they should marry and the careers that would be best for them. Of course, when we stick our noses into their young adult lives, they let us now in one way or another that we're not welcome in making those suggestions. As they should.

Some people feel that one of the main jobs of parents is to prepare their children to make their own decisions. They see it as their responsibility to produce autonomously functioning adults. Other parents see it as their responsibility to control the decisions and activities of their children even to the extent of choosing their wives and husbands. If you fit into the later category, this essay will not speak to you and you might better put it aside.

In the last fifteen years when my wife and I have been at homeschool conventions, it has not been unusual to have parents come to our table with their children and ask which level of Writing Strands they should purchase for their children. In order to help, we have to know some things about the children's experiences and goals. It also helps me to be able to make an assessment of their readiness for new experiences if I talk directly with the children.

I've had rather sad experiences with children as old as seventeen, and it troubles me because I see the children as handicapped by their reactions to me and my questions. These disturbing conversations between the mother, child and me have gone something like this:

Dave: To help you select the level, I have to know some things about your son's experience. May I ask him some questions?
Mom: Sure, talk to Bill.
Dave: Bill, what program have you used in the past for your writing training?
Bill: Looks at his mother for the answer.
Mom: We've been using ____________ for the last three years.
Dave: It will help me if I talk directly to Bill.
Mom: Sure, go ahead.
Dave: Bill, do you like to write?
Bill: Looks at his mother for the answer.
Dave: Looking directly at Bill... What do you like to read?
Bill: Smiles and looks at his mother.
Mom: We read lots of books about nature. Bill likes to read about animals and hunting and fishing.
Dave: Looking back at Bill... Who are some of your favorite authors?
Bill: Shrugs and again looks to his mother for the answer or for help.
Dave: Are you planning on going to college?
Bill: Again looks to his mother for the answer.

Such an interaction between a child and me tells me the things I need to know to advise the parent on the level of book she should begin with. With the above example I know that the young man (remember he is seventeen and one year away from college or the job market?), has not been allowed or encouraged to deal with adults on a reasonable level. Under the same circumstances, this example child is functioning as an average five or six year old might. Compare the conversation with the next example child reacting in the same situation. This child is about ten years old.
Dave: To help you select the level, I have to know some things about your son's experience. May I ask him some questions?
Mom: Sure, talk to Bill.
Dave: Bill, what program have you used in the past for your writing training?
Bill: I haven't done much writing at all. Looks at mother. I write some letters and this last year I wrote a report on South America.
Dave: Do you like to write?
Bill: I don't know. He shrugs.
Dave: What do you want to do when you graduate from homeschool?
Bill: I haven't decided yet.

This is not an untypical conversation to have with a ten-year-old who has been encouraged to deal with adults in conversation. Yet, I have had in English classes seventeen-year-old kids who couldn't talk about ideas, couldn't make up their own minds about subjects and had no drive to know or understand objects or situations. This whole part of their education had been ignored. I have had high school seniors tell me that they have never had a conversation with an adult until they came to my class. They have never had anyone ask them what they thought about things. No one had ever asked them how they felt about anything. All the talking they had done with adults is have the adults tell them what to do or say: when to got to bed, what to wear, how to stand, or what not to talk about at the dinner table. The only questions they were ever asked were ones of control: "Where are you going? When will you be back? Who else is going? Have you done your homework?," and "When are you going to change that shirt?" They had never been in conversations with their parents and been asked questions like, "What do you think about patriotism and where does it come from?"

Most of my students were eager to give opinions once they were encouraged to speak out. Most young people like to feel that they can think for themselves; and they should feel that way. That's how they get to be adults.

You can start this process when your children are still very young. Five-year-olds can or should be able to deal with questions like, "What is the difference between being good and being obedient?" Even if your children don't respond with insight, there is the interaction with an adult where the children aren't being told something but are asked what they think. You will help your children of any age if every day you engage them in a conversation about an idea or a condition. These questions are not like, "Do you like your new math book?," but are more like, "is there really a thing call "three" or is "three" just a word that stands for something else?" You could ask an older child much more abstract questions such as, "Is it fair that everybody in America has their vote count the same so that a college professor and a retarded person have the same importance put on their thoughts about how to
run America?" You could plan your questions in advance and then wait for an opportunity to use them. If you do this, when you have the opportunity to discuss the choices of your writing program or anything else with someone at a homeschool convention, they will be able to talk with your children and your children won't look to you for the answer to every question they are asked.

About the author:
Dave Marks, founder of the National Writing Institute, was the author of Writing Strands, Reading Strands, the Dragonslaying is for Dreamers trilogy and it’s accompanying Novel Study and other excellent curriculum. Visit the web site for more information and help:
http://www.writingstrands.com