Dads: How to Have a Presence in Your Absence by Derek Carter

Working outside the home has always frustrated me because I always want to connect with my kids in a tangible way. It has long been documented that a father's proactive presence in the home really seals a child's success. I have worked with families in crisis for over twenty years and have seen the agony of fatherlessness up close in fragmented families, and the long term personal and societal pain. Thus, I have always wanted to really spend quality time with my family. This desire was intensified the more when my wife and I decided to home school our children. I was convinced more than ever that I needed to have a strong presence. I prayed about creative ways I could make an impact on my family.

One day I was in the gym on the treadmill, going, going, and all of a sudden I was gone! I had hit a wall. I was not just exhausted, but it seemed I was physically depleted. What happened I wondered? Then I realized that I had failed to drink enough water to hydrate myself for the rigorous workout like I had done in previously It all happened so suddenly or so it seemed.. In that moment the Lord spoke to my heart that in the same way I would need to hydrate myself before a workout, I needed to hydrate my family before my absence. In other words, just as I must prepare my body for vigorous physical activity by lessening the effects of a loss of vital fluids so I must do the same for my family.

I must prepare my family for my physical absence, by lessening the feeling of separation when I have to be away albeit work or ministry responsibilities. Over the years, I have found many fathers face the same challenge. Our challenge is not new. I thought about Jesus. He spent just three years with His disciples yet he impacted their lives enough to inspire them to give their lives for Him. He was able to sufficiently make His presence known to them. In His absence these men and their followers would later be credited with taking the gospel around the world.. I want to do the same for my family. I have found the most effective way to do this is to communicate to my family on such a significant level such that when I am not there I am still able to impact them. I want to connect with them.

Over the years I have found practical ways I can connect my children and touch their hearts so that even when I am not there my presence is felt. In short, I have learned to hydrate my family such that I have a presence in my absence. Here are four practical ways.

One
Letters to your kids

Write brief letters to your children. This is one of the easiest ways and you do not have to be gifted with words to write because children just appreciate the effort. You can put them under their pillow, in their lunch box or slip it in their coat pocket. My children are home schooled and so I occasionally hide them around the house for them to find. Of course, I sometimes have to write down where I put them myself because when my wife calls me at work so many things are on my mind that I am apt to forget where I put them. The letters do not have to be so sentimental. I like writing funny letters to the kids or asking them silly or challenging questions (See suggested questions in the appendix) that they have to think about. Sometimes I encourage them to ask me questions and they give me letters too. In this way I keep them thinking about me so when I walk through the door at night they are anticipating my arrival and we all can quickly make an emotional connection by having something to talk about where we all have a reference point.

Two
Read to your kids

Pick a good book and read to your children. I still like reading hardcover books to my children which are classics. Brief books with long term meaning are best if your time is limited or if you can carve out time in the evening a novel is best. Older ones still like books like the Giving Tree by Shel Silverstein. Ravi Zacharias Ministries has tremendous theologically sound and inspiring hardcover books with timeless messages that spark conversation. You can also read classic books in a children's version if you prefer. We like Shakespeare and Homer's Odyssey. By reading the children's version our children are exposed to the ideas and will be better able to understand the more complex concepts later as they get older.

I have discussed values and ideas with my children that many would have considered beyond their understanding. I did this by simply asking questions. Do you agree with the decision the main character made? Why or why not? Can you think of a better biblical response? Simple questions like this spur a child to think and it gently allows me to probe their thinking in a way that is not threatening way because I am not lecturing them directly about something they have or have not done. It affords me the opportunity to really mold their decision making process. We have also read books about missionaries and famous Americans when they were young. Our kids seem to enjoy discovering things about famous people when they were children. They relate well to these kinds of books and it fosters conversation about what they want to do in the future. Biographies that are well written are excellent. In my own spiritual journey I have enjoy reading Dietrich Bonneheur. I t is important that our children understand our rich spiritual heritage.

Three
Family Meetings

We occasionally have family meetings. Anyone can call a family meeting. They are generally called to resolve conflict. I use the family meetings to reinforce our family rules, rehearse our family mission statement, and to foster family togetherness. We generally keep it to a specified time session and with a definite agenda, lest it degenerate into a griping session. We used to have weekly family meetings when our children were young. We used the meetings to remind our children of the rules and to reaffirm our family's code of conduct both in and out the home. Now that our children are older, we have them only on an as needed basis.

We find it works best if you take a timer to the meeting and give family members a specified time to express their opinion so that the meetings do not run excessively long. Knowing they have a time limit helps preschoolers and toddlers to think through their ideas instead of just rambling. This will not eliminate their random thoughts but will help move the meeting along and eventually youngsters ( and parents too) will realize they have to think through their thoughts before coming to the meeting, especially if meetings are called due to specific areas. My wife and I tend to call meetings when the home is getting messy, and the kids have learned to just pick up a bit to avoid the meeting.

Four
Schedule Telephone Calls

On my job I am constantly getting calls. Usually when the telephone rings I know it is someone with a problem. However, in the afternoon, which tends to be my down time I will telephone the kids or have them telephone me individually. Practically, I cannot do this everyday but I can on occasion telephone them individually. I will generally ask them how their day is going or did they get a note I wrote to them. It is important for me to speak to them individually and alternate the times of the call so each individual child feels special. I only have three children and I realize it is easier for me than dads with more children but you can limit the duration of the time you speak to each child or ask each one a different question. When you hang up the kids will probably ask one another, what did dad ask you? This works well if you ask a silly question. See my list of Silly Questions on the web site: http:www.FamilySuccess.org

About the author:
Derek Carter is the Founder of Foundations for Family Success and the New York City/ Long Island LEAH Regional Representative. He enjoys spending time with God, his wife and children when he isn't speaking or writing. Visit www.FamilySuccess.org for more encouragement and to view excerpts of his book.