Family by Choice: Living on the Frontlines
by Gabriel Constans, Ph.D.

Since the age of sixteen I knew I wanted to have children and created a lot of convenient images and fantasies of what that would be like. When I turned eighteen I met a young woman, fell in love and got married, with the complete expectation that children would soon follow. Luckily, that was not in the cards, as we only remained married for a year and then went our separate ways. We were very young and still had a lot of growing up to do.

Seven years later, at the ripe old age of twenty-six (I had remarried the year before) our first child, Darci, was born and the reality of how much attention she needed hit me like an avalanche! Night after night of interrupted sleep. Though it is supposedly women that experience post-partum depression and not men, I swear I had it in spades! The reality that I was now responsible for another person for the rest of my life was terrifying!

As our daughter grew older and we had another child, Brendon (two and a half years later), my heart for them both was filled with all the love, wonder and compassion I had expected, along with the unexpected - learning when and how to set limits and say no or yes. It wasn't as easy as it had sounded BC (Before Children)! The amount of attention, validation and time each desired and deserved went far beyond my early teen fantasies.

Then, when the children were about five and seven years old, respectively, we adopted a child (Jason) and got divorced! We had adopted Jason through the social service agency. After the divorce, I retained sole custody of Jason.

I have no regrets over taking sole responsibility for Jason, but it was exhausting as a single parent. Darci and Brendon were now with me half of the week and Jason all the time.

About a year after the divorce I met my life partner, Audrey and three years later was once again a married man. She was and is, an incredible support and is now (18 years later) called Mom by all our children.

After surviving two divorces, single parenting and the adjustments of a new family, I thought I would never have another child (birth or adopted)! It was simply out of the question. But, thank goodness, it happened anyway. Thats when our daughter Leti was placed in our home by the county. She was fourteen years old and had lived through hell.

If I’d thought it was difficult learning how to parent the younger children as they grew, it was nothing compared to the needs and circumstances of an abused teenager. Leti had experienced every awful thing you can imagine in her biological family and at fourteen had the courage and gumption to ask to be taken out of her home.

To top off the whole affair, Audrey, who by marrying me, had become a stepmother, then a foster and adoptive mother, clearly stated her desire to give birth to a child and become a biological mother.

At first I was incredulous. Here we were barely surviving all four of our children being teenagers at the same time and she wants to have another kid?! And a baby at that! No, no, no, I said, remembering the sleep-deprived nights of newborns. You are totally out to lunch., but within a few months she had convinced me to step
back into the fire. It wasnt long until our fifth child, Shona, came sliding out between her legs looking intensely at his mother, father and siblings. That was eleven years ago. In the years that have followed, four of our children have become adults and ventured out on their own.

If you cannot physically have a child (for whatever reason) and/or you already had a birth child or two, I strongly encourage you to consider adoption. There are tens of thousands of preschoolers, adolescents and teens waiting for security, love, commitment and yes, sacrifice. Parenting requires the endless sacrifice of ones ego, vanity, time and selfishness, whether its through adoption or birth.

Parenting puts you on the front lines of changing society and making the world a better place to live. Teaching children how to live with the reality of emotional pain and loss, in the context of a secure and safe environment, is one of the greatest gifts we can provide future generations. To do so not only heals the wounds of abandonment, abuse, and betrayal, but also helps prevent additional pain, violence and acting out as our children become adults.

Parenting is not for the faint hearted. It can be a bittersweet, arduous, painful journey that requires us to take one day at a time. But in spite of all the tribulations and sorrows we and they, have encountered, the riches we have received from our children are far more intense and long lasting than any material goods, sensual pleasure, personal achievement or pot of gold!

About the author:

Dr. Constans is the author of ten books published in North America, including Good Grief: Love, Loss & Laughter (Helm Publishing); 101 Ways to Spice Up Your Marriage (Allegro); and Beyond Ones Own: Healing Humanity in the Wake of Personal Tragedy (Crossquarter)