Things Never To Say To A Teenager by Nigel Lane (Teen Coach)

1.  When I was your age ….

Actually it doesn't matter what you say when you get to that point in the sentence because the young person has already switched off and isn't listening. In fact, if you have been on the advanced training course on understanding teenagers, you will be able to read the LCD screen just inside their forehead - it will be clearly stating, “yeah right, whatever.”

Seriously though, you probably were never their age.  Well chronologically and numerically you were but when you were their age the world was a totally different place. Research has shown that there are 3 main things missing from society today that were readily available when I was a teenager and those deficits make the world a different place. (See the next article at the end of this one.)

2. Sticks and stones may break ….

Put another way, don't worry what other people say to you or say about you because it doesn't matter. Now I realise that we shouldn't get our sense of worth from other people's opinions and if we are being picked on at school or wherever, that we should learn to rise above it and find coping mechanisms. So, your intention is probably sound it just comes across as "ignore them, don't be so soft, rise above it," or as Australians are fond of saying, "Get over it".

3. I will do that for you.

Now I am in trouble with all the teenagers that read this article because that is exactly what they want to hear, but it isn't good for them. Part of the process of adolescence involves growing up into responsibilities that previously were undertaken by our parent. Incidentally I blame my mother for not being able to iron. She never taught me, now I realise I could learn, but it is easier to learn when you are younger [well that's my excuse!]

4. For goodness sake, pull yourself together.

The teenage years are a time of intense and fluctuating emotions often at the mercy of hormonal change. They may feel from time to time that nobody is in control and that no one understands. If they feel vulnerable and are in tears the above comment can be read as rejection in a big way. They have not yet achieved a settled identity and part of the emotions is establishing who they are.

5. If you do that one more time Ill …..

OK, I will admit this one can be acceptable but only if you are prepared to actually do what you are threatening them with and can legally carry it out. I am sick of hearing parents in supermarkets threaten their children with empty threats it generates something in me that wants me to say If I hear you threaten that one more time Ill … Hmm maybe its a natural response but an unacceptable one nevertheless.

6. When you are older you will understand.

Again, this one has truth in it, but it isn't accepted or understood by the vast majority of young people. In some sense it is an adolescent version of those words we vowed we would never say, but invariably comes out at the end of a list of why questions because I said so. When you are older fits that category in that it doesn't help the young person understand the argument.

7. Just you wait till Dad gets home.

As a Dad this line just sucks. It sets me up as the bad guy in a no win situation and usually results in a request for discipline without adequate information. Either deal with the event as it happens or tell me about it when I get home just don't announce that you decided to take the tell me option.

 8. You're Useless.

 9. If only you were more like your older sister.

 10. That's quite good …. For you!

 11. You won’t manage to do that!

These all fall into a similar category, negative words when teens should be hearing words of affirmation. These are words dependent on their performance when they should be receiving unconditional love.

12. Dad’s gone away for a few days.

In this age of marriage breakdown and parents splitting up, it is very difficult to communicate the facts to children, whatever their age. However, lying or pretending are never valid options. As hard as it will be, it is always better to tell the truth - short-term gain for long term pain, or short term pain for long term gain. You know it makes sense!

WHEN I WAS YOUR AGE...

When I was your age … those words precede many sentences to children and young people. I don't wish to shatter any adult illusions but it doesn't actually matter what follows those words as young people aren't listening.  In a sense they feel they have heard it all before.

Maybe it is worth a moment to consider if we ever were their age; or more appropriately what has changed in society since the time you and I were teenagers.

It has been suggested that three things are missing from society today that were around when I was a teenager [a mere 20 something years ago]. The first is a loss of love and security. You see, when I was growing up the incidence of divorce and family breakdown was far more rare. Somehow,  families stuck together. Today it would be irresponsible to ask a group of teenagers if they still lived with their real mum and dad, but if I did, there could well be less than half. Many young people I know feel let down, unloved and unwanted by the absent parent and certainly suffer from a lower than average self image and a higher than average insecurity. Some of them feel a real sense of not belonging.  When I was their age …. I was secure in knowing my family structure was stable.

The second thing is that there is a loss of truth. Young people aren't hearing anyone standing up to say - this is what you should do. Parental control is lighter [see above] and certain politicians and leaders are pointing the way but then not living the same as their talk. I never remember being told what was right and wrong it was somehow picked up as I went along.  There was also the incentive that if I did anything that I shouldn't do then somehow, someone knew my parents and the message got back home usually before I did.

Today, things are different. Some young people I have worked with are quite relaxed about explaining why they had to take the car from its owner and seem to think it is quite acceptable. Kevin could wax eloquent about how he was hungry and they had two VCRs, so it made sense to him to steal for his stomach. [He conveniently forgot that he didn't have any food or money because of his drug addiction; and that he took both video recorders as well as other items]. When I was their age … people seemed to have a more acute sense of conscience

Finally, and perhaps most pointedly, is the fact that there is a loss of hope. Young people leaving school don't find it easy to find work and need more and more qualifications to gain employment. I remember employing a young man as a fork lift truck driver who had a degree in human geography [whatever that was]. When I was their age … I had a choice of jobs when I left school.

The consequences of feeling that they don't belong, they have no future and that there are few moral guidelines can be seen in the media on a regular basis.

But what has all that to do with church and life? Well I believe that these missing ingredients can be found in the gospel. The Bible states that God is love; Jesus said I am the way, the truth and the life. In the book of Jeremiah God says that he has a plan for us to give us a hope and a future.

There should be no more accepting or loving environment than your local church, a place where the love of God is both talked about, lived out and shown to other people. The Bible doesn't just say that God has love but that God is love; and out of His love to us we can minister to other people.

Guidelines for a good, upright life are found in the same book. More than the ten commandments, it provides a moral blueprint for life. Of course it is possible to be accused of talking the talk and not walking the walk but that doesn't negate the fact that the guidelines are there and it is our responsibility to set the good example based on the Christian teaching.

Many people feel a sense of being hopeless today, it isn't just a young people's phenomenon, they are looking sometimes for a purpose to even stay alive. When we spend time considering eternal things; looking beyond the day to day to our very roots as humanity we find a God who cares and is able to provide us with that reason to live, that hope for the future.

Having said that, just because the answer is available doesn't mean that it is easily found or even accepted. The function of the church is to point the way and not merely point the finger. Then we won't need to say 'when I was your age', but we will understand that life is different today - yet the answers to life's issues, even those of the 21st century, can be found in God.

About the Teen Coach - Nigel Lane

He was born in an embarrassingly named Lancashire town in 1955, he  was married in 1977.  Jan and Nigel have 3 children and 4 grandchildren.

He was variously [and continuously] employed in several industries until he 'settled down' into sales and marketing for the transport and distribution industry. In 1991 he began working with young people in various situations which continues to this day. He has worked in schools, youth prison, camps and retreats, detached street work – to name a few.  Late in 1999 Nigel and his wife Jan moved to Australia to continue his youthwork as Executive Director of YFC Geelong - Westcoast.  He has developed teams of youthworkers, ran parenting seminars and regularly maintains contact with young people by working three days a week in a local high school.

Coaching and mentoring have been a part of Nigel's life for many years with formal training being received from Coach University. Nigel is also a member of Christian Coaches.

Speaking Experience

Nigel  is at home in front of a classroom of unruly 15 year olds as well as Boardrooms. He has spoken to crowds of over 800 and in several countries of the world – Japan, Poland, Romania, Denmark, Canada, U.K. and various states of Australia.

Qualifications

Masters Degree from the University of Sheffield, Member of Toastmasters International, Lifetime member of Coach University and CoachVille, Member of Mensa, Cert 4 in Training and Assessment

Website: www.teencoach.org

Contact Nigel Lane: Nigel@TeenCoach.org