Homeschooling Under Stress

Eileen Benthal

I intended to write this article about 18 months ago. However, being in the midst of family crises and home schooling doesn't leave much time to write about it. Somewhere within me I know the real reason I've procrastinated was that I wanted to find the formula for home schooling in the midst of stress. Well, after 6 years, 2 and one-half of which has been with a serious medical crisis, I finally found the answer; there is no formula for home schooling under stress.

My two and a half year old has a favorite book entitled "Going on a Bear Hunt." It's about a family that decides to go on a bear hunt. They encounter many obstacles throughout their day, not to mention when they finally discover the bear. With every adversity, their response is the same; "We can't go over it, we can't go under it, I guess we have to go through it."

I've developed a similar response to difficulties since I gave birth to our baby Johanna, 3 years ago on a bright August morning. She was born with a brain stem mass that was detected when she was 3 months old. Since she was diagnosed, Johanna has had six surgeries to deal with fluid pressure on her brain and four surgeries to resect reoccurring hemorrhaging masses in her brain. Five of those operations have been in the last year.

Through these tragic ups and downs, there are a few things that have remained constant; our faith in God, our love for one another and educating our children at home. The constants are based on relationships ö our relationship with God and one another are based on commitment and trust. Home education is also a commitment that flows from these other primary relationships.

However, in the midst of these stresses we've endured and the losses we faced, the roles and responsibilities of these relationships have changed. For example, as I expend so much energy in caring for our children, particularly Johanna, my husband has taken on more household details. He's become a great cook and really does have an eye for keeping clutter at a minimum. My other children, ages 12, 9 and 5 have learned to make their own breakfasts and lunch, keep up with their household chores and of late, are doing their own laundry (sometimes).

While we have continued to home school, our view of what home schooling is has greatly expanded. We always aspired to home schooling as a way of life rather than a set of rules, time clocks and textbooks. I've been greatly inspired by authors such as Ruth Beechik, Raymond and Dorothy Moore and the educational philosophies of Charlotte Mason.

Each time we prayed about home schooling, the vision before us was the same; to provide a home where learning could take place naturally and our family learned to love each other and the Lord. I saw myself more as a facilitator rather than a teacher. The scripture that pervaded our reflections was from Isaiah..."Your children shall be taught by the Lord..."

Sounds great right? But when I faced the challenge of late bloomers, delayed academics and a medical crisis that defies order, I frequently found myself overwhelmed and exhausted. Somehow my lofty visions seemed so impractical under such stress. So, in different seasons I groped for the new answers to home schooling under stress.

I went through seasons of charts that had the entire semester of work listed and the children checked these off when complete. That worked for a while and I felt better about accomplishing more academic stuff. But, one of the things we lost with this routine was time to read, cuddle and explore. We all got tense and tantrums happened more often. The other aspect lost here was flexibility. I felt this terrible burden when we went out for a field trip or worse yet when we had to go back in the hospital for a week or two. I found the chart became a looming cloud on the horizon that haunted me, as much as I wanted it to serve our needs.

Last fall, I tried a neat combination of a few weeks of formal work followed by a week of informal learning. I thought we could neatly button down both the basics and the creative work. That one worked for a while until our lives were tossed upside down with more tumor growth and hemorrhages. This period was followed by three more surgeries between Thanksgiving and late January. During that time of frequent hospitalizations, we incorporated the children as much as possible. They came for frequent visits and got to know a lot of children with similar problems.

One psychologist who works with families like ourselves told us that the biggest problem they see with siblings in these situations is that the children feel isolated from the experience. They imagine the worst and also experience increased anxiety in the family separation. She and others commented on how well adjusted, kind and polite our children seem. She felt that home schooling could certainly help to alleviate a lot of these stresses of isolation on the siblings. It allows us to go through these times together.

When we have to travel to NY City, we also try to make it fun. The Metropolitan Museum of Art has become a family favorite with each of us having our own special exhibits that we like best.

But, what I see as the greatest gift of these times is watching my children interact with other children who have or had brain tumors. Some are in wheelchairs, some are blind, most are bald as they receive months of chemotherapy. But, in the midst of it, my children are kind and compassionate. They treat these kids as normal.

We spent Thanksgiving in the hospital. The night before, my son cried himself to sleep after he read one of those Îwarm, fuzzy' Thanksgiving stories. You know, the ones where the turkey's cooking, the pies are baked and the family gathers for grace before an abundant meal. He told me he was sad because he so wanted that but he knew ours would be much different. I acknowledged his pain but I assured him the Lord had great blessings in store for us and for the children whose lives we would brighten that day.

As we gathered around the playroom table, careful to not trip over IV poles and children in wheelchairs, I couldn't help but feel that we were a new family. My son made friends with a little boy who was walking when they met, but on that day he could do nothing but move his head. My daughters were busy playing games with children who were plugged in for treatments. At one point during the meal, my son turned to me and said, " Mom, this is the best Thanksgiving we've ever had!!"

After this, we then had about 7 weeks of stability, where we actually felt a little ãnormalä, whatever that means for us now. We got back into a routine of schoolwork. We even started working on some projects. During this time, my body shut down for a period of rest. I found that I needed to take better care of myself through rest, reflection and proper diet. I sought the help of a wonderful counselor who continues to encourage me in my daily walk as a homeschooling mom with a handicapped child. In this season I found it helpful to follow the delights of the heart, while still continuing our study. We dove into our study of birds by reading and doing a lot of bird watching.

God in his goodness provided free curriculum, as we watched a family of robins build their nest and nurture their young. Also, we sent away for caterpillars to watch the metamorphosis to butterflies. We kept two beautiful journals to document our observations.

Home education happens as we live our life as a family. I've decided to stop trying to go over or under these struggles, and live like the family on the bear hunt; we're just going to keep going through these obstacles together.

For years I prayed for more time for family prayer, and a deeper sense of gratitude and compassion among my children. I thought educating them at home could really help achieve these goals. I believe I was right.

Eileen lives with her husband and three children on Long Island, New York where they have been enjoying the combined benefits of country and seaside living – taking long walks and nature hunts which little Johanna also enjoys. A full-time wife, mother and homeschooling mom, Eileen finds time to write and speak to groups, sharing her experiences.