Mixed Messages - What to do.
by Shirley M.R. Minster

Our news broadcasts are increasingly filled with terrible stories of school-age children causing physical harm and death to children, family members, and teachers. Making sense of the senseless brutality is not easy and cannot be fully done. Evil can never be fully understood. However we can take a step back and look at what we are teaching the children and if there are things we need to change in what we say to the children. This article explains my view on our shaky educational system and what can help us work better together.

Children are being given mixed messages by parents at home and by teachers in school. As they grow, they must decide which messages they should listen to and obey. If they cannot decide rightly, it will make adulthood more difficult. The following list explains the dilemmas faced every day.

1. Parents cherish each unique quality in their children and encourage them to be individuals. In school, they are expected to assimilate a team mentality, and to do so immediately with no fuss.

2. Parents tell their children to follow their own dreams, to search out what God would have them do as adults. In school, they are told which jobs in the future are going to be the most needed and then they are to study for those careers and are financially set for life. It sounds like a guarantee to the students. They are also given a list of colleges that fit that profile. God is left out of the decision.

3. Parents teach their children to take responsibility for self and as they are able to move on to higher-level tasks. In school, children are to move at the same pace as the rest of their team and to attain status as average. The student waits until all discussion has taken place, even if he is ready to begin sooner than the rest of the class.
4. Parents teach their children to think outside the box, to use the gifts they have been given to solve problems. In school, children are told to collaborate, to work together on one idea until resolution is achieved. If one child has figured out the solution, he cannot go on until the rest of the group is ready.

5. Parents teach their children to not do something just because everyone else is doing it, but to think for themselves. In school, children are given assignments that depend upon others completing the work in order to get the group grade.

These mixed messages cause angst because the children feel guilty if they don’t follow parental messages that say, “Be an individual”. Their parents are sending them to school so shouldn’t they be following the school mantra, “For the good of the group”? Anxiety can set in and be followed by depression when they sense their individuality being eroded little by little year by year. In the elementary school years, children work hard to be accepted by their peers and teachers. In the middle school years, youth go through a difficult time of adjusting to different peer groups and higher-level expectations. They look back fondly on the earlier years when all they had to do was follow the crowd. They begin to realize that being like everyone else is better than sticking out.

As the high school years begin, teens once again look at who they are and where they are heading. They evaluate the future with a discerning yet immature eye. It is critical for them to be seen as individuals. As they see adults looking at them as simply part of the group, an ‘I don’t care’ attitude is often seen and heard. Then the ball is set in motion and predictable behaviors follow. They become very quiet or act out and it is then that parents and teachers become concerned. They know they must do something, but what? The ball keeps on rolling faster and faster as the teens continue to act out for attention’s sake. By their actions, they demand to be worthy of attention. As everything escalates, hostility enters both home and school and it becomes more difficult for the adults to remain calm and to act rather than react.

So what do we do? In the earlier school years, examine what is important to a child. Being seen as unique, as worthy of note for his or her own special qualities, is number one. This can and should be the message in the school as well as in the home. Children don’t mind being a part of a group in some ways, but not in all ways. They need to know that each child is special. Teachers should talk to each child and give him or her options for projects and assignments. Don’t always put them in groups. At the end of the day when the child is home again, focus on his interests and activities, giving him time to express himself.

For the middle school years when children are beginning to realize that life has difficult times and that one must make her own decisions, teachers need to be available to talk with each student individually. They also need to listen to what the student thinks is important. Classmates will listen more when they see the example set by the teacher. When your child comes home at the end of the day, make time to talk with him to let him know you understand that sometimes consequences are hard to understand and that people aren’t always nice. The realization that acquaintances are not always friends is a hard lesson to learn, but a necessary one.

In the high school years, continue to talk with teens one on one, to spend time with them, or we risk losing them to their actions. The teen needs to know that teachers want to know what’s important to him. Lip service isn’t needed, but real heart-to-heart conversations. A reminder is that ‘hear’ is part of ‘heart’. At home, listen more and talk less. Remember, you are training your teen to be a good parent.

When a teen is not listened to, he will often take a wrong path and disconnect from the family and society in general. Typical behaviors to look for are using foul language in a variety of situations and places, rolling the eyes, being destructive to self or others in small and big ways, acting out sexually, and dismissing adults in authority (e.g., teachers, parents). Results of these acting out behaviors are pregnancy, physical harm to self or other people or animals, erratic and dangerous driving, abuse of drugs and alcohol, destructiveness to property, accidents in the home and on the road, and suicide.

Proverbs 22:6 says, “Train a child in the way he should go, and when he is old, he will not turn from it.” (NIV) Parents must discern and encourage their child in the direction they should go. Parents should choose the type of education that is best for their child. If it is a school, look for one that recognizes that it is a partner in the mentoring process. Let us remind the school of the messages we are teaching the children at home. By working together, we demonstrate to the children that we recognize together the calling to raise the children well.

About the author:
Shirley is founder of Home Education & Family Services, a full-time service organization offering helps and resources for families who want to provide the best education for their children., and Royal Academy, a unique alternative to traditional schools that is based upon the model of parental involvement in the education of their children. Shirley has worked in the field of education and with homeschooling families located throughout the world for over 25 years. You may contact her through the web site: http://www.homeeducator.com/HEFS, or telephone: 207-657-2800