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Mothering Through Mid-Life
by Michelle Howe
I had just gotten out of bed and, admittedly, wasn't quite fully awake when my husband informed me that our eighteen-year-old daughter's car had been vandalized during the night. I stood there in the chilly kitchen taking in the specific details of the minor crime. The worst damage was the insulting graffiti written on her windows. A myriad of conflicting thoughts and emotions ran like a freight train through my brain—some of which, I am ashamed to confess, were of the reprisal sort.
As a mother of three young-adult daughters and a teenage son, I take my parenting role to heart. The better portion of the last twenty plus years has been spent investing in the physical, emotional and spiritual well-being of my offspring. So standing in my kitchen on that blustery winter morning, I was, in part, upset with the situation and, in part, frustrated with my own reaction. The temptation to disengage was overwhelming.
In talking with other mid-life moms whose own sons and daughters are at that "jumping off" stage, I have found a common thread. It's called premature disengagement.
To successfully "disengage," a mother eyes the problem, large or small, and within seconds, makes a choice. Will she, or won't she? Will she engage her heart, mind and soul into the issue at hand? At this point of life—this mid-life juncture—women see vistas opening up before them. And they wonder, during those fleeting, decision-making seconds, whether or not they are going to re-invest themselves, yet again, into their families’ problems. It's so much simpler to deflect, diffuse or deny that a problem exists.
Former Toledo resident and the director of Changing Lives International, Dr. Paul Tripp comments on familiar life themes that are characteristic of this mid-life struggle in his book Lost in the Middle. Tripp writes,
“Mid-lifers often feel a growing dissatisfaction with their lives; they become disoriented as long-term responsibilities shift, change or are removed. There is frequent discouragement as cynicism takes the place of once youthful expectancy; dread of physical aging can be coupled with disappointment over unfulfilled or dashed dreams.”
“Finally,” Tripp continues, “the lure of finding the missing ‘whatever’ to tip life back into what was once deemed meaningful also asserts itself.”
So what's a mid-life mom to do when faced with life-transition overload and when the desire to retreat looms large?
* View life with a seasonal perspective. This day's opportunity to impact a child's life will never again present itself in quite the same way, so make the most of every chance to offer guidance.
* Resist the "only if I have something tangible to show for my efforts" or the “is it worth my time?” mentality. Remember that investing in people always pays the highest dividends.
*Stop the wearisome, "not this again" mindset before it takes hold, and approach family issues with the same acumen and fresh energy that you extend to business or professional endeavors.
*Bank on past successes as the foundation to endure present challenges. Don't waste life today by borrowing on tomorrow's uncertainties.
*Remember that oft-bestowed motherly advice: a job isn't done until it's done. Stay at the parenting task until it's completed.
About the author:
Michele Howe and her family live near the shores of Lake Erie. She is an author, book reviewer and manuscript critique editor, and she has also been featured on numerous radio shows. Please write to Michele C/O Syndicated Writers of America via email at michele.howe@buystory.com
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