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by Timothy Leggett
As I answer the phone a frantic voice is saying. “There is red lipstick all over his face, on the carpet and in his mouth!” I am reminded how boys are a unique creation and how boys act like boys. Even as the years progress you will see and hear this at home and on the playground. The scene is different but the story is the same. “You cannot hit me because I am a girl. I will tell the teacher and you will get in trouble.” How perplexing it was for a six-year-old first grader to be able to play hard and even fight with the boys but not be able to, at least, lift a finger against the girl who had been taunting him every morning of school. Something seemed out of place as I think about that scenario. Even on the first grade playground it was all about the messages that boys were getting. Even in the preschool years boys know that they are different from girls in more ways than just the obvious.
When Psychologist Jerome Brunner asked preschool children if they were a boy or a girl, they would give him a definitive answer. Boys are born differently than girls. Boys are XY’s, and girls are XXs. Parents and other significant adults have an impact on who the boy is and who he perceives himself to be.
Boys are living in an age that is unparallel in human history in which so much visual stimuli is being projected at them. Boys are getting mixed messages about what being a boy is all about. In a time were boys look for models they see a portrayal that may be far from the truth. Some boys are not sure what it means to be a boy. Boys are looking and seeing and are searching for affirmation on who they are and what they can do.
They see their friends and other male figures with a wonder which asks for affirmation on “being me.” Some friends and family members give inaccurate bits of information to these same boys. Boys look for affirmation by parents, other children and even toy manufacturers as to who they are and what they are supposed to be. There is a biological and social component that makes boys different to nurture than girls.
Some boys are in trouble now, without the nuclear family of past. This nuclear family consisted of mother, father at home and grandparents that lived close by to help with the care and nurture of children. Families are stretched, battered, and are under pressure from all areas of society. Families are under so much pressure that boys often suffer from that same pressure. One of the pressures is the absence of the dads.
Over 40 percent of boys are now being raised without their biological dads. Studies have shown that one of the predictors of whether a boy will succeed or fail in school is if there a male role model present. It has been said, “A boy without a father is like an explorer without a map.”
In looking at the field of Child Development we know about the importance of fathers from the birth of the boy throughout the life of the boy. How boys seek to know the father, imitate the father, and even confront everything that the father possesses is a healthy part of growing up. It has been said that when men don’t know how to act as men, the men become helpless and act like big kids. Boys can be anything from a florist, a dancer, a cook, or even a hairdresser and still be all boy. It is still important to have a male role model for the boy to look to. Television, for many boys, has become the male substitute. There are other groups of people in their life who also play a significant role in the life of the boy.
Boys still want to know who they are and what it means to be a boy or even a man. “Who’s Your Daddy” is more than a song title or a catch phrase. Boys are watching and listening to male adults, waiting and looking for a good role model.
Implications for Dads and other Role Models as they work with boys: We can help boys be boys by recognizing that their minds are different from girls, and that is OK. Their brains have more cortical area in which boys want to move everything- from basketballs, to arms and legs: they are always on the move. Boys have a difficult time staying still, especially for a long period of time. For parents, and especially teachers, it is going to be difficult to keep them still on a particular task.
Boys are also more impulsive. They will not be found chatting but doing. It is important in a classroom to have boys doing tasks, such as taking apart coffee makers when they are studying science. This allows them to do hands-on work and use higher thinking skills…Think about men that you know who would rather do a job and not talk about what they have done.
Boys’ brains have less blood flow than girls, and boys tend to compartmentalize learning. Girls tend to multi-task better than boys do. Boys like to finish one job at a time. Boys like to feel the sense of accomplishment and success with what they do. As parents and teachers boys will zone us out if you use too many words. The male brain is better suited for symbols, abstractions, diagrams, pictures and objects instead of the “blab blab” of many words.
If you want boys to talk, get them involved in a task. They will begin to tell you about the specific task they are doing in detail. For some boys activity this will allow you to see what this child is feeling and seeing. As an elementary principal, occasionally I would take the child who had been referred to me for some one-on-one basketball. During the course of shooting the hoops the boy(s) would begin to talk about their feelings about home, school, and any subject they wanted to talk about.
Helps for You and Helps for Him
• Boys like to use their hands to build things. Let him feel, touch, move the item and explore the many uses of the item.
• Get to the point with your instructions. Model for him, in a concise manner, what to do.
• Just like big boys go to the garage and work and find their space, boys like to have their space at the dinner table or their own place to put an article of clothing.
• Whether a grandfather, father or a step-dad is in a boy’s life, every significant male should mentor or guide the boy.
• Affirmation from all adults, such as making statements such as “Good work.” “I’m proud of you,” even a hug, handshake or whatever your family does to show the affirmation….
• Give rewards when he does what he is suppose to do at home (school). Do something spontaneous like go to the park, play pitch and catch or even a trip for ice-cream. Rewards do not have to be money: they can be your time, time, time….
Boys are boys, but each boy is different and must be treated as an individual. As caregivers you have a short time to take that boy and be the significant person to mold him for life.
References
Dobson, J. (Contributor). (2005). Bringing up Boys Parenting [Video series]. (AvailableFrom Focus on the Family, Colorado Springs, Colorado, 80995)
Gurian, M., & Stevens, K. (2004, November). Educational Leadership: With Boys and Girls in Mind, 62(3), 21-26.
Gurian, M., Henley, P., & Trueman. T. (2001). Boys and girls learn differently! A guide for teachers and parents. [Electronic version]. National School Boards Association,
Sommers, C. A. (2000). The War against Boys: How Misguided Feminism Is Harming Our Young Men. New York: Simon & Schuster.
Stossel, J. (Producer). (April 14, 2006). Difference between Boys and Girls. [Television broadcast]. New York. The American Broadcasting Network.
Tyre, Peg. (2006, January 30). Newsweek: The Trouble with Boys, 147(4), 44, 46-52.
Biography
About the author:
A husband,father, grandfather; who has worked over 35 years to improve the lives of children and their families in society. Timothy Leggett’s professional experience includes teaching, school administration, counselor and college professor. Volunteer work with children has included sports, literacy, day care, day camp, church, etc. I am currently Assistant Professor of Early Childhood Education at Arkansas Tech University in Russellville, Arkansas. His e-mail address is Timothy.Leggett@atu.edu.
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