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by Renée Fuller, Ph.D.
With considerable alarm our local newspapers reported a rising rate of narcissism among teenagers. When I mentioned the articles to parents and grandparents, their wearied response was “Since when is that news?” Further elaborations took the form of: “We all know that kids nowadays are obsessed with themselves. That’s why they’re so out of touch. They don’t seem to realize that there are millions and millions of people out there besides themselves.”
But are narcissism and self-absorption new phenomena? The very word “narcissism” would belie that. The word “narcissism” is derived from the Greek myth of Narcissus, a young man so delighted and preoccupied with his own appearance that he spent hours looking at his reflection in the local stream. Of course, today’s teenagers, rather than looking at their reflection in a nearby stream, spend hours looking at their reflection in the bathroom mirror. Their parents might well understand and sympathize with the mythical Greek gods who in their disgust with Narcissus’s self-absorption turned him into a flower by the stream. Now he could spend eternity looking and admiring his reflection in the water. As a beautiful flower he remained out of touch with the rest of the world; but then that world had ceased to be concerned with Narcissus’s self-absorption.
We can surmise that the myth of Narcissus represents an allegory about the price that absorption with the self entails; something the Greek storytellers had met and understood. Clearly self-absorption as a problem is not new: although the number of the self-preoccupied may well have increased in recent years. This presumed increase in narcissism has led to the hypothesis that smaller family size as well as the popular assertion that each child should be taught and reassured that it is special has seduced many children into a lop-sided world-view. In this world-view they are the luminaries, sometimes the only luminaries, with much of the rest of us merely shadowy and minor images. Have today’s societal changes created for many of our youngsters a self-image so huge that it has eclipsed the reality and importance of the rest of the world?
And yet if the increase in self-absorption were simply a function of smaller family size and being taught by the school and family that they are special then Vihemiena and Jake would have been spared this affliction. Both are impressive in their narcissistic self-preoccupation, and yet both had many, many siblings. Jake was one of the youngest of ten children of his town’s poorest families. Neither his brutal father, nor his overextended mother, or his siblings had the time or the regard to assure him that he was special. He did that on his own.
Even today, any conversation with middle-aged Jake is invariably wrapped around Jake. When as an aside he mentions other people it is mainly to express anger at their lack of admiration and concern for Jake. In effect his primary and sole subject of discourse and preoccupation centers on himself. The rest of the world and the town have served only to turn the spotlight on what he has essentially perceived as its one and only inhabitant. Negative responses, lack of interest, real or imagined, to Jake’s self-preoccupation are met by acts of vengeance. In order to avoid Jake’s virulent back-stabbing response many of the town’s residents have learned to pretend admiration or at least avoid any disagreement with his self-approbation.
The town’s other narcissist, Vihemiena, also a child of extreme poverty, was one of the youngest of nine. Like Jake’s, her family rather than reassuring her that she was special, pushed her aside as inconsequential. Both town and school openly expressed contempt for her family’s poverty and lack of discipline. Rather than being assured that she was special, she was openly treated with disdain by school and community: in large part for being a member of such a despised family.
Like Jake, Vihemiena is a great talker – about herself – and exclusively about herself. Other people are referred to only because they have slighted her on some occasion. It is not unusual for those slights and torts to have occurred decades ago. The passage of time has not altered the anger these torts, real or imagined, continue to inspire. The recital of these snubs and the ire they continue to inspire are repeated again and again, sometimes on the same occasion. The only respite a reluctant listener has to hearing these repetitious chronicles are accounts of praise she has received on rare occasions. Again, these accounts can be many, many years old. The town’s response to her self-absorbed recitals has been not to contradict and sometimes to silently smile. Although Vihemiena lacks the male authority that is Jake’s, her rage, like his, involves back-stabbing, which the town’s people go out of their way to avoid. Consequently most of both Jake’s and Vihemiena’s neighbors curtail the amount of time spent with either.
Lest we assume that narcissism is a reflection of recent societal changes there are Fridel and Mona. Contrary to Jake’s and Vihemiena’s experience, the families of Fridel, who died in her 60s and Mona, now in her 70s, showed both of them some love and even occasional approbation. Also contrary to Jake and Vihemiena, both were children of small, well to do families. Despite these advantages, the narcissism of both Fridel and Mona continued to simmer throughout their lives. However, the two women present a clue as to what can happen, what can be done, to at least partially ameliorate the curse of narcissistic self-absorption.
One main difference in the history of these four self-absorbed humans was their early schooling, which presents a clue as how to decrease self-preoccupied narcissism. Whereas Jake and Vihemiena received poor to mediocre instruction from early grades and throughout high school, Fridel and Mona had been given superior educational advantages. As a result the latter two had their writing skills developed by their school to the point that, coincidentally, both eventually became journalists. Journalism provided exposure to the rest of the world that made a tremendous intellectual difference in the lives of both Fridel and Mona – although their self-absorption continued to haunt their private lives.
It took Mona several decades before finding something of interest besides her continual self-preoccupation. As a high schooler she had been so self- absorbed and out of touch with what was going on around her that she was unaware that her presumed best friend had failed to receive a graduation diploma. Nor was she aware that her favorite teacher was in danger of being expelled from the school for unfounded lesbian advances. It was only several years after high school when financial demands required that she have a steady income that Mona stumbled into journalism and with it become involved in local politics. Although her narcissistic self-absorption continued, it was to a much-reduced degree. Leading a more productive life and the respect that accompanied it gave Mona a more contented personality. The alcoholism, which previously was a reflection of her empty life finally stopped. However, genuine caring for her “friends” continued to be problematical.
Fridel’s story is similar to Mona’s in many ways. Like Mona’s, Fridel’s superior schooling made the difference. In Fridel’s case it brought out an outstanding story telling ability that manifested itself in her fascinating letters as well as newspaper articles and books. She had the additional advantage of having a strikingly beautiful face even in her 60s. But then Jake and Vihemiena also had the advantage of being especially attractive to look at. Fridel’s superior schooling, aside from developing her writing ability also brought out a conversational proficiency and with it what we would nowadays call charisma. These endowments made her impossible to forget. But then, Jake had also been endowed with charisma: something that a perceptive military recognized as they promoted him to captain even though he lacked a college education. However, on reaching captain the promotions stopped. Jake’s self-absorption had created conflicts with his superiors.
Despite the writing accomplishments made possible by Fridel’s superior schooling and the subsequent reduction of her narcissistic world-view, on a personal level her self-absorption persisted. She continued to have difficulties in being able to love or even at times of being emotionally cognizant of her own family. Acquaintances invariable assumed from Fridel’s disparaging descriptions and complaints about her daughter that this daughter was an unattractive ner-do-well. They were astonished on meeting the daughter that she was an attractive and successful professional. The discrepancy produced anger in some of Fridel’s acquaintances – perhaps because they felt that they too were potential victims of Fridel’s self-preoccupation and resultant maligning. Was the daughter aware of her mother’s derogatory allegations and their narcissistic etiology? To my surprise the daughter’s response was: ”My mother has some special wonderful qualities. She writes these marvelous letters. And she’s a great conversationalist! Besides, you can’t expect perfection from people, even from your own mother. So I love her, despite. . .”
It was evident that although her daughter loved Fridel, narcissism had created an inevitable distance between the mother and her daughter. Was Fridel able to return her daughter’s expressed love? Had she even loved her as a baby? Most of Fridel’s presumed friends and acquaintances thought not. Fridel’s work had made it possible for her to comprehend and write about the exciting world out there, a world outside herself. But for her, as for Jake and Vihemiena and for Mona, self-absorption made love of others a difficult achievement.
What do both Fridel and Mona tell us can be done to at least ameliorate narcissistic self-absorption? For both it was superior schooling, which introduced them to an exciting world – a world besides their own navel ruminations. It allowed their minds to dwell, at least sporadically, on that outside world and not just on the self. But can more be done? Not just for the sake of the narcissists themselves, but to put an end to their need to malign the people around them (including their supposed loved-ones) who have the nerve to people this planet besides number one.
Although four cases are hardly a scientific sample, they do indicate the potential power of early intellectual stimulation. It was the inferior education of both Jake and Vihemiena that reduced their awareness and interest in what transpires in the rest of the world. In contrast, early exposure to exciting realms of knowledge created for Mona and Fridel experiences that did much to reduce their narcissistic world-view.
It was exposure to potentially interesting information and knowledge that the Sullivans concluded might help their son Eric. By the time Eric was seven the parents had become painfully conscious of his unusual self-absorption. “I don’t think he’s even aware that the rest of the world exists.” Was Mrs. Sullivan’s comment to me. Both parents put in considerable effort to introduce their son to what they considered was a series of exciting topics. After extensive and skillful effort the parents finally succeeded. Eric became absorbed in the world of science. But despite his newfound preoccupation Eric’s relations with people remained “empty.”
Mrs. Sullivan’s comments to me about Eric were both puzzled and sad. “I don’t think he even cares for us. And you know what? That continual coldness of his makes it hard for us to love him. Of course we do love him. But it’s not the same as when love is reciprocal; when your child loves you back.”
“Does he appear to love himself?” I asked.
The answer was a surprised “Yes, I guess he definitely loves himself. That is, he’s very preoccupied with himself. That’s just it. It’s as if he’s unaware that anyone else exists, except himself.”
I wondered how could Eric be shown what love is, and eventually learn to be a participant. Was there a way of utilizing his interest in science? Was there an animal that could demonstrate to Eric what love is: an animal noted for its capacity to entice us humans into reciprocating this scientifically important emotion? Dogs of course! In the thousands of years of our relation with dogs their capacity to excite the love emotion in us has become highly developed.
What followed was my suggestion to Mrs. Sullivan. “Go with Eric to a dog shelter and say hello to the various dogs there. Usually at least one of the dogs will go out of its way to greet you and blatantly request to be loved. Point out to Eric the important scientific reasons of what the dog is doing and how reciprocal love of dogs and humans developed over thousands of years to the advantage of both. How here with an especially loving dog one can see the important reasons for the love emotion. Further how the love emotion was designed to give both dogs and humans happiness.”
“On taking the dog home – rescuing it from the shelter - gradually demonstrate to Eric the importance of the dog’s attachment ability. Remind Eric again how the love that the dog is demonstrating was essential for the survival of the dog species, and even at times their human owners. Perhaps that will help Eric, as a budding scientist, understand, if only on an intellectual level, what he himself has been missing. It might be a good idea to choose a female dog. The females can be especially nurturing. You may find one that will go out of her way to let Eric know that she is attached to him, that she loves him.”
It didn’t happen right way after Molly, a three-year old mixed breed, became a part of the Sullivan household. But the skillful parents explained to Eric that when Molly leaped up on his bed at night it was because Molly wanted to make sure he was safe: that she wanted to protect him. Initially Eric rejected Molly. But as Mrs. Sullivan told me later “It was as if Molly understood what Eric needed. She was cleverly persistent in her expressions of love for him, and eventually her persistence won out. You know those doggie eyes that say ‘I love you.’ Eventually even Eric understood. He finally reciprocated love; at least for his dog.”
Will Eric be able to transfer the love emotion to his parents and other people?
Mrs. Sullivan described how: “Just this month Eric actually joined in and laughed with the rest of the family as we jokingly hugged one another. Molly also joined in, jumping up and down, her tail going like crazy. Thanks to Molly, I think slowly but surely Eric’s getting there.”
Stay tuned. . .
About the author:
Dr. Fuller received her M.A. in experimental psychology from Columbia University, and her Ph.D. in 1963 in physiological psychology from New York University.
In addition to developing the Ball-Stick-Bird reading system, and the story-as-the-engram theory of cognitive organization, Dr. Fuller has published widely in the field of clinical physiological psychology. At present she is continuing her work in developing learning programs and writing books and articles about how children learn. She is consultant to numerous school systems, universities, and departments of education, as well as to homeschoolers. Visit her web site: http://www.ballstickbird.com.
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