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by Nigel Lane (Teen Coach)
7 things teens don’t like in their
parents.
Anger
Of course they realize that parents are human and emotional beings, but they don’t like to see angry parents. Especially if they are angry at each other (Mum and Dad fighting) and it doesn’t help when they are disciplined by a parent in an angry state. Please keep your arguments in private and never tell someone off until you have calmed down.
Negativity
Life can be a struggle for many people, hurdles to jump, mountains to climb - and none more so as they travel through adolescence. At this crucial time in their life a teenager needs people who believe in them, will encourage them, spur them on to high and lofty goals - not negative, put down types of people. Always look on the bright side of life!
Nagging
Ancient wisdom states ‘a nagging wife is like a dripping tap’ - a nagging parent is like one too. Now I understand our teens don’t always do as they are told and don’t do it quickly enough but nagging simply doesn’t work. It doesn’t work for them (they may eventually do it but that’s despite
the nagging) and it doesn’t work for us (we just get stressed).
Inappropriate behavior
In many ways we are models for our kids so if we do something that isn’t appropriate, then they will likely follow suit. It is hard to define inappropriate as the circumstances will vary dramatically - but these could include: smoking; smoking more than tobacco; overtly sexual activity in front of your
children (and I am a strong advocate for affection between parents - but there are limits) - maybe even continuous computer usage?
Parents acting like teenagers
Sorry but it isn’t cool to try and use all the teen language; or to dress like you were 19 again - other kids think it is amusing our kids know it is plain embarrassing. It is always best to act your age.
Living parents’ lives through their teenagers
This one is a big one. If you didn’t make it as a doctor, or teacher or rock star or whatever, then it is never appropriate for you to expect your children to follow your dream. Let them have their own dream, follow their own destiny.
Favoritism
It is easy (maybe even normal?) to have favorites. Some of our kids are simply more like us - or more like our spouse (the one we loved so much we married!). BUT - it is not the
right thing for that favoritism to show. And while we are here, it is never acceptable to do the comparison thing either - ‘your grades aren’t as good as your sister’s’ etc.
5 things teens DO like in their parents
When parents act naturally
Part of growing up is understanding people, learning how they act and think - observing behaviors as young people try and work out who they are. So they love it when their parents can be real; when they don’t need to act intelligent, or to act strong, or to act calm but to allow them into some of the real conflicts that the adult world provides. When we show emotion, we hug them - just being ourselves.
When parents talk on their level as adults
Transactional analysis shows that we communicate on 1 of 3 basic levels and our teens love it when we talk to them adult to adult. (Now I am the first to admit that it is not always possible to do this when they are acting like children). When we discuss and debate rather than dictate; when we negotiate rather than mandate; when we listen rather than just talk. try it - you will be surprised at how adult they can be (and how hard it is for them to not do what we ask when we ask it in an adult way).
When parents are firm
In contrast to their stated opinion young people love it when the boundaries are clearly stated and we are firm. Of course they will constantly seek to push them and stretch deadlines but they know it is good for them when we stick to our decisions. I don’t mean that we will never negotiate but I do mean we won’t be walked over.
When parents are polite to their friends
I am a firm believer on inviting their friends round to our house as often as possible - we can learn a great deal from knowing which people they hang out with. Whenever I do come into contact with my children’s friends - whoever they are and whatever they look like - I am always polite. It is a respectful thing to do and the opposite is totally unacceptable from your child’s point of view. IF you have issues then you can always talk them through (adult to adult) when the moment arrives - and that is never when the friend is there.
When their privacy is respected
Looking in diaries, walking into bedrooms, listening in to phone calls are NOT options to caring parents. Our teenagers are becoming adults and have a right to expect privacy - not just physically (bedroom, bathroom etc.) but emotionally (diary) as well. If we have a concern then we should talk it out not snoop around.
For more information:
http://www.awesomeparents.com
We also have an Understanding Teenagers blog of interesting articles.
Email Nigel: nigel@awesomeparents.com
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