Discovering Joy and Contentment Despite the Unknown

by Michele Howe

(Book Excerpt)

"Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already been made perfect, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus."
Philippians 3: 12-14

We're all storytellers. From earliest recollections, most of us can remember being read to from storybooks as young children. Some of these
tales were funny, some sad, some were meant to impart a life lesson, others just for fun. But every one contributed to our worldview...and helped to develop our critical thinking process, either accurately or not so. What we women believe(d) shapes our behavior and our thinking; it did then and continues on our entire lives. Which is why it is so valuable to continue this practice into adulthood. Unfortunately, many mothers don't give enough thought to how much impact they have on those around them (and vice versa) via sharing their stories. So they stop talking; about what matters, that is.

As single moms living in a high-tech society, it is so easy to become automatons. Self-dependent, self-sufficient, self-protective; to the nth degree we women have mastered the art of solo status...in ways that are the most costly. Sure, we live in families, we may share an office, attend neighborhood gatherings, yet simultaneously we remain apart. Only as people venture forth with prudent self-story telling for the purpose enriching someone else's life will others offer similar exchanges. It truly is a trust begets trust principle.

Counselors routinely sit opposite desperately hurting individuals who are
simply in need of a listening, empathetic ear. Sadly, our society has placed
such premium on projecting the image and illusion of perfection, that
genuine self-disclosure is becoming a rare commodity indeed. Even within the church, especially within the church. For want of an ordinary "good word"...many women are forced to make an appointment with a professional just to get a hearing. Not that counselors aren't needed, they are, but as fellow life travelers, we women must consider how much we have to offer one another by merely living lives of honest transparency.

Everyone struggles. Everyone bleeds. Everyone needs a good hand of help, a word of hope, and a renewed life perspective. As moms embrace the eternal by enlarging their own vision of what God can do, has done, only then can they become the conduit of substantive strength for their children,
grandchildren, and every other person they are honored enough to influence.

Ready, Set, Adjust!

* First step: recognize the standards by which you govern life. Review life
patterns, current choices, and future aspirations. Lucy paged through all the Sunday pre-holiday advertisements...with discontent. She saw lots of gifts she longed to buy her family...but didn't have the budget for it. Continuing to flip through the paper, this retired salesperson noticed an ad to which she felt suddenly tempted to respond. Lucy gave in against her
better judgment. Next thing, Lucy didn't know which end was up...literally. She had been hired as a holiday "extra" at the local mall and her job, which she chose to accept, was to restock the shelves in the middle of the night. Lucy, fit for her age, was excited about the chance to earn some needed Christmas money for those special gifts for her grandkids. So the second full week into her temporary job, Lucy was busy restocking the uppermost tier with toys...silly toys Lucy thought to herself reaching higher yet...and then she fell. Good thing she had just started for the night, for she landed on a heap of plush squeeze stuffed animals that covered the hard floor beneath her...thank the good Lord. Laying there, Lucy's head spun....literally. Just why am I doing this again? Lucy grimaced as she shouldered herself up to a sitting position. What will the kids say? Bumped and bruised, and for what? A little extra cash! Goodness, when am I going to learn...I don't need extra money to show my family how much I love them. Didn't I learn a thing from overspending all those years I had to work? Apparently not, and she tossed the nearest, newest, had-to-have toy away in exhausted frustration, I'm losing sleep and perspective!

* Second step: schedule in time for reassessment. Ask for input, ideas and
observations from other women as to how they see you/your life. Charice was happily seated around her dining room table with her very favorite people...her book club friends. This small group of ladies met every six weeks for in depth discussion and friendly banter. They loved it...what started out as an informal gathering between professional women...grew into mutually satisfying friendship characterized by trust. Charice decided that she needed some wise advice...her son had invited her to move into the in-laws apartment attached to his family's home. Should she or shouldn't she? Charice couldn't decide. Listing the pros and cons didn't help. On either side of the equation Charice could see the good and giving up of other freedom...maybe she just was too close to the situation? She was. So what does a woman do when her mind's in a muddle? She gets the advice from those who know her best. So that's what Charice did.

* Third step: adopt a brutal slash/strike mentality to eliminate any
activity or task that promotes the busy is better mentality. Take on the, less is more, minimalists' stance regarding scheduling new commitments.

Rose had four sisters, all living, and it felt more like she was their mother not their peer. All these long adult years since their folks had died, Rose had been the planner, the executer of holiday, birthdays, and vacations...and of course, her sisters loved it. Sure they did. It meant they had only to arrive on time with a dish or two...while Rose labored to plan, prepare, and serve an ever-growing number of extended family members. One day in late October, just as she normally did, Rose pulled out the yearly
calendar...started writing down potential dates for their family get-togethers when her pen stopped working. How tiresome! Getting up to find another, Rose stopped herself. Tiresome is right! I am worn out. I think it's time for the five of us to start divvying out these gatherings equally, and if we can't agree on a date that works for us all...then we'll skip it. Rose smiled...it will be good to be invited as a guest for a change!

* Fourth step: appreciate today, despite the angst and the irritations,
learn to see and value, every day as an opportunity to grow, to give, to be.
Helen was never the full-glass gal...from early on, she only saw what was missing. That is, until her entire life went missing. Her husband died, kids left home, her brother and his wife moved south permanently. For all practical family purposes, Helen was alone and she finally felt the sting of so many years of fearfully hoarding what relationships God had given her.
Sitting in her kitchen over her morning coffee, Helen knew she had a decision to make. Either she could belabor over everything that she'd lost...or...she could determine to give back. Helen decided right. She began
giving back. As a retired single mom, Helen had many gifts. So she started volunteering at a nearby school... teaching the wives of foreign
professionals how to speech and write English. Helen loved it. And through
their many conversations, Helen found herself saying no to invitations to dinner and plays and even family birthdays...not that she didn't want to
go...there were too many to attend! Helen gave of herself and gained.

* Fifth step: let a spirit of gratitude spill over into every act, every
hour, every day. Annie prayed that the Lord would help her to see, with His
eyes, all the good that remained in her life. Annie was grateful, she was.
But there were moments, like yesterday, when her daughter called from clear across the country and her three-year-old grandson got on the phone to say hello. It was wonderful. Until they hung up...then Annie felt bereft and
lonely. Lord, help me...to simply be grateful I have a daughter who loves
me, and she's been given a dear little boy to love her. This is good...and I'm not going to allow self-pity to steal the joy I felt when they called. I'm not. Instead, I'll make a call to a friend of mine in the same circumstance and we can compare notes on the latest grandchild giggles.

* Sixth step: cultivate contentment by refusing to entertain what might have been thoughts. Denise was having the time of her life. She loved snow skiing and going off on these brief weekend jaunts with her girlfriends...yes, even at fifty-plus years of age, they continued to refer to one another as "girls", was good medicine. Denise thought back to her much younger days when she'd go skiing with her then husband.... and did they ever have fun. But that was before her divorce. Before her ex left her with a broken heart. The past with its pain mingled with pleasure would momentarily freeze Denise in her tracks. She'd always recall their romantic getaway weekends whenever she first hit the ski slope but she refused to allow her thoughts to linger there. Instead, Denise took in the day's scenery, the fresh air, the wintry fragrance of pine and fir. Then, just as she had in real life, Denise got moving, leaving behind the past and raced downhill exhilarated by every brush and turn along the way. Life was getting more exciting, Denise realized, and she felt freer than ever before.

* Seventh step: purposefully live for yourself and your loved ones. After a
second marriage ended in divorce, Gillian really didn't want to engage in
life for a time. She was tired, disappointed, and wounded beyond repair. At least, that's what she kept telling her friends. Wondering how she could
ever trust another man, or did she even want to try, Gillian lived aloof, cut off, and isolated. Finally, after her best friend Kate figured Gillian had had enough time to grieve (they were that good of friends!), she gave her the straight scoop. Listen, Kate told her friend. You've endured a lot, I get that, but so have I, and I'm missing your company, so are your kids and grandkids. Life isn't just about your feelings...we need you to come back...now. Kate prepared for a hit...but Gillian just nodded...she got it too. No one anticipates life's hardships...no one asks for them. And no one better than a faithful friend who's also been bruised by its bumps to come alongside and bully another friend into moving ahead when the time was right.

* Eighth step: focus on the eternal, not the temporal. Lydia had gotten word that her cancer had come back. She really couldn't grasp the news yet. It had been seven years since she'd had her left breast removed. Lydia believed that her remission was a permanent thing. She was wrong. Who would have guessed after over seven years of getting the "all clear" that a scan would reveal a reoccurrence? Lydia sat herself down in her favorite thinking chair, the one nearest the garden now full to overflowing with this summer's bounty. She thought about the ironies of life. The hurts and the losses. The joys and happiness. Lord, me again. Sitting here trying to figure out what You've got planned for me this time. I know, it's not for me to understand...but I wouldn't mind an extra measure of trust coming my way. You know Lord, I can't face this without You...yes, You know. You always do, and in your bounty I'll find my strength.

Excerpt from the book: Still Going It Alone: Mothering with Faith and Finesse When the Children Have Grown, Hendrickson Publishing, Michele Howe, author. Printed with permission of the author and
publisher.