Talking With And Not Just To The Kids by Dave Marks

An analysis of the decisions relating to major issues of American life indicates that almost half of American adults can be classified as foolish, determined by their ability to think clearly and in abstract ways. These are not just the few of us who have low intelligence but the great mass of us who cannot understand the phenomenon of cause and effect and are confused by issues that have more than two sides or questions that have gray areas; issues for them must be either black or white, right or wrong, true or false. They want simple answers to complicated questions and must be told what to think about the major decisions in their lives. It should be instructive for you and your children to examine together the effect that this situation has on their lives and futures.

Most of my life I've been proud and very thankful of my opportunity to live in and to contribute to a country that is truly a garden of freedom and opportunity in a world of oppression and poverty. But, I've been dismayed recently by many of the choices my fellow Americans have made. You are as familiar with them as I am and probably as disturbed by their result. A look at what we have chosen to offer our children to think about on their most accessible information media, their television programs, will provide insight into the effects of our collective decisions. Think also of the potential effect on our children of some of the national decisions to reduce the quality standards of the air they breath, the increase of allowable levels of mercury in their water, of not funding the cleanup of major industrial waste dumps when one-fourth of Americans live within two miles of one, the clear cutting of the last remaining old-growth forests so our grandchildren will never be able to enjoy them, the poor schooling given to our children so that American kids compare so poorly with the children of other industrial countries, and of us being one of the last industrial nations to make sure children can have health care. In our garden of opportunity, twenty-five percent of our children live below the poverty level, and the chance for most children to belong to a productive middle class is being quickly destroyed. This is just the start of a list of what poor thinking ability is producing in our country.

If you don't feel that these situations are serious, read in foreign newspapers about what the rest of the world thinks about what we are doing to our garden. No one person or any small group can change what is happening, but you can help your children avoid making mistakes of such a serious nature in their own lives. This is a two-step process, and it does take a long time to create in a child the ability to make choices that are not seen as foolish.

The first step in this process is a time consuming but very satisfying experience. It requires that you engage your child in protracted conversations involving abstract concepts. It's true that children before the age of twelve or thirteen cannot use abstractions in a meaningful way, but they can discuss abstract ideas and that experience can be meaningful. The conversational interactions between young children and their parents in many cases are very one-sided and limited to concrete topics of little interest to children. These limited conversations consist of the parent telling the child something: what and how to eat, when to go to bed, when to get up, where to put dirty clothes, how to stand or sit, when to study and what to say in specific situations. The children's responses in most cases are of one or two words, and the experience does not afford the children opportunities to grow, but only to be obedient.

As a way of demonstrating the difference between that type of conversation and one where the children have opportunities to develop the ability to think clearly, I will show you two conversations on the subject of when to go to bed.

Mom: Betty, I noticed last night that you watched television after I told you to go to bed.
Betty: I had it turned down low.
Mom: That's not the point. I told you to go to bed.
Betty: I was in bed.
Mom: Don't argue with me about this. I want you to go to bed at nine o'clock and that means that you go to sleep.
Betty: That's too early.
Mom: Not if I say it's not. End of discussion.
Betty: That' s not fair.
Mom: If you keep this up, you can start going to bed at eight-thirty.

What this kind of conversation produces in children is obedience but no understanding of the processes of reasoning that accompanies decisions. The children are told what to do and how to be good, but they have no opportunities to think and talk with adults about the decision of when to go to sleep. It's time that this decision is one parents have to make, but how their decision is presented may be as important as the decision is in the development of their children. Compare the above conversation with the following one and you'll see that this child, Betty, has an opportunity to explore the topic with her mother. The result is the same in both instances, the child goes to bed when she is told to, but in the second conversation the child has a chance to discuss the idea of the need to be alert with her mother.

Mom: Betty, I noticed last night that you watched television after I told you to go to bed.
Betty: But I had it turned down low.
Mom: That's not the point. The point is that children need eight or nine hours of sleep each night in order to be alert the next day.
Betty: I get good grades.
Mom: I know you do, and I'm really proud of you for that. The point here is not whether you can get by with just seven hours and still get good grades. The point is what sleep you need to be really sharp. Do you want that?
Betty: Sure I do, I get really good grades now.
Mom: Do you feel it's good enough just to beat other homeschooled kids on tests?
Betty: What do you mean?
Mom: Don't you want to be as sharp and as alert as you can be?
Betty: I don't know. I guess so.
Mom: You know I'm not just getting you out of the way, don't you?
Betty: Sure, you want what's best for me.
Mom: You think it would best for you to be as sharp as possible, or do you think it would be okay to be just better than other kids you know?
Betty: I want to do as well as I can, so. . . that means that I'll have to get at least nine hours sleep each night, doesn't it?
Mom: I'm glad you came to that conclusion. Thanks for making this easy for me.

This is an idealized conversation on a simple topic, but in it you can see how Betty could have a better understanding of the reasons for Mom insisting on an early hour for bed. The difference is in telling Betty and in discussing with Betty. If Betty is given opportunities in all aspects of her life to discuss her actions and decisions with her parents, you can see that that would have to have an effect on how she might face decision-making when she has to do it alone and without the help of her parents.

The National Writing Institute publishes the popular, award-winning, “Writing Strands” writing series developed primarily for homeschool use. Other excellent resources include “Communication & Interpersonal Relationships”, “Reading Strands”, “Evaluating Writing”, “Writing Exposition” and the excellent “Dragonslaying” series. For information on all of their excellent resources, visit his web site: www.writingstrands.com (Please see their ad on page 22.)